Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Title evades me

So Dr. Mind and I talked for a long time tonight and established some things.  Some I knew, some I didn't.  My anxiety is out of control.  He thinks this is partly because it is scary to not have Dr. Brain available, and because her surgery is a reminder of her illness, even though this is a positive step.  I sort of refused to cope with what her illness could mean a year ago and I think he believes this is the result of that.  Probably that and my anger last week.

Also, I'm cycling and he thinks I'm depressed.  Hard to know why; steroids, stress, frustration and now pain all could be part of it.  I told him that I'm extremely sensitive and tending to hear things very differently than they are said sometimes/frequently.  I also am getting hurt feelings easily when it's no big deal.  

Way back, before most of you were reading and before I wrote as specifically about many things on here, there was a time that Drs.Mind and Brain had a meeting about me and Dr. Mind told her that he felt my anxiety, anxiety that is so severe that it borders on OCD, was holding me back.  They agreed to several things.  First Dr. Mind sat me down and asked me to let him talk a while.  He talked about my progress and that I was at a point I could make a lot more of it but it was going to need some committments.  He told me that first I had to know they were there for me and both really wanted to help me do something, but that to do it I was going to have to trust both of them and he would help me do that.  Then the next stage would be treating my anxiety.  When I was ready Dr. Brain would increase my anxiety meds and I would need to be consistent about taking doses throughout the day. At the same time Dr. Mind would use the less anxious time to help me learn to deal with anxiety.  It really worked.  I used to obsessively (said factually, not just descriptively) spend HOURS thinking about "what if?".  One of the numerous things we addressed in that time was that if I thought "what if" I needed to immediate think "STOP".  Then I need to re-arrange what I was thinking.  It was ok to worry when indicated but "what if" is a problem for me.  A big one.  As I learned to not do that I improved immensely and this was while I still wasn't on effective meds.

I handle this well now and really am good at stopping when I catch myself.  Except when I'm cycling and coping with too much. So right now I'm to work hard at regaining control of that.  I'm also much more aware of how much I'm cyling simply because I got pretty upset during the session and popped up again by the end feeling better and he thought I was just feeling better from talking and instead it was more that I felt better because my mood suddenly went way up and now I'm having some trouble coming back down.  Could be a lot worse, but it was another sign of cycling  that I haven't felt sure was happening although I suspected it.

The type of support that I have on my ankle I have learned has a built-in feature that sometimes it put into this kind of thing:  If my foot is down too long it swells and I get a nice reminder to get it up.  It doesn't have to be way up, but it does need to not be down.  I guess Dr. Mind is my same type of reminder.  The biggest problem right now is that I need to be seeing him twice a week.  We have talked about this the last 3 weeks.  i need monitoring and help coping right now.  But I am too tired to make it work.  Essentially one of the best ways to treat the depression is too much stress to make it feasible.  I know that listening to my body when it says sleep over talking is good, because I'm pretty structured with seeing him more when needed.  And even Dr. Brain thought I needed those extra visits for a while especially why my body is dealing with steroids.

I think I'm going to try to get to 2 sessions in the next few weeks.  First I have to (foremost) get rid of the ankle pain since it makes me so very tired.  I need to mess with my meds a little this weekend and see if I take an even smaller amount of valium if I get better sleep that stops the exhausted all the time thing.  I also would like to find myself eating again, although that may take more treatment of depression to happen (catch 21).  But not eating is part of why I'm exhausted.  Yet this is just part of depression for me.

(and for those keeping track my mood has again plummeted while writing).....

The rest I can't control.  I need to stop thinking about what the dr. says Monday and if I can work then.  I trust him to protect my ankle and I know that doing so is vital to my ability to walk period.  I have a perfect example hooked to the other side to show why treatment and compliance is so important.  If i can't work I can't work.  I can't control that Dr. Body has been away with a family emergency for 2 weeks and so my inhaler still needs to be changed to a new kind.  I dread the change, but I wouldn't have been changing until this weekend anyway because of Dr. mind's recovery schedule, so whatever. Cycling I can't do much about but take meds and be good about my PRNS during the day and work with Dr.Mind.

I told him that there is a sequence I believe.  I know that I feel bad because of my asthma and that it has rocked me to the core.  I know that exhaustion alone from that has a big role and that's before the side effects of the treatments come into play.  I also know that there is no guide for how to treat your severely bipolar ashtmatic patient who is med intolerant and on crazy doses of many meds.  Therefore this is trial and error but with many choices ahead and one will work.  I also believe Dr. Brain when she says she can stabilize me once we're done destabilizing me.  I do believe I'll feel better.    I know that belief is important.

I also know that waiting for that is stretching my abilities.  Tonight though is the first time I saw in this point of my illness, even without being told, that I had at least 4 big mood changes in 65 minutes and another in the last hour, and that this is a major reason I feel miserable.  Cycling sucks.  I have meds that might help but would sedate me more and I need less of that not more.

Catch 22.  Again.


Michal Ann said...

I love the hopefulness that's woven in with the difficult challenges you're juggling. Yes! Cycling SUCKS. Blessings, sweet Jen!

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Hey, fantastic that you recognize what is going on. I think I would be hiding in bed w/the covers over mr head, but you just keep on going!

Julia Roberts said...

You constantly AMAZE me. I hope Gage will be able to handle and manage his illness the same way that you do. I hope things get better quickly. That you get rest and peace.

You Jen, are amazing.

Hugs and love from GA.