Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, March 28, 2011


I just published the last post and was thinking about it a little, and realized once again that expectations are just a waste of time and thought.

I remember years ago, after I was diagnosed and was in the clinical trial, they did a lot of education as part of the program.  I remember being taught that I would learn to recognize depression and mania (and when my diagnosis was changed to bipolar I mixed type, the combination thereof).  So I expected it would be like the checklists I filled out each visit there.  If I had too many answers indicating one thing then I was depressed, or the opposite.  Granted, mixed episodes are harder and resulted in some of their testing being impossible, and I gave up on mood charting because I couldn't figure out what to put since I had 18 moods daily.

But what I didn't know is that it is my own behaviors that tell me my mood.  It is the behaviors of my cats.  It is how often I change my sheets, how and what I eat, whether I have folded laundry or not, how much anxiety medication I need, whether I want to blog a lot or hide totally away from people.  It is my patience, whether my temper flares at bad drivers, how much I can tolerate noise or excessive movements/lights/etc.  It is a feeling in my chest that is not ashtma.  It is in the hours I sleep and how easily I get there.  It's got to do with when I shower when I arrive home feeling gross. It's my ability to remember stupid things that are important.

Those and others are the things I look at every day and assess in myself.  Not so much like the little checkboxes I thought it would be.


Michal Ann said...

It's good that you know yourself. I'm so sorry that things have been so difficult. You wrote that you "realized once again that expectations are just a waste of time and thought." I wonder what you meant by that. I've heard that "expectations are planned resentments." Does that make any sense to you? It's a saying I've heard several times at the Christian 12 Step program I've been attending for months, Celebrate Recovery.

How do your kitties reflect your moods? You're doing an amazing job of managing all you're handling. I'm so glad you get to see Dr. Brain soon.

Thanks for writing. I pray for you, dear Jen.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Cats and dogs are very sensitive. I can sometimes tell if I am having an acute pancreatitis flare because my dachshund gets up in my face and smells my breath!! I figure it must change because acute pancreatitis can throw all your metabolites off.

You really have to be self aware, what a tough disease!