Tough night. I had to use Valium to sleep and didn't get a lot of it then. So this morning was very groggy. Still is. I'm going in to work a tad later and that helps get the crud out of my body.
This whole thing started when I let Dr. Body know that for whatever reason this time the one medication is drastically increasing my anxiety, making it more obsessive than usual. That led to him being blunt about what I've been ignoring, he doesn't know what else to do besides this. If the issue were only the anxiety I could deal with it. Dr. Brain would fix that. But I am still having almost daily breathing issues. And I have no quality of life. Even though I had heard him say that before I hadn't processed it; don't think I was ready to. I think I needed to know Dr. Brain is with me before I thought about this. I assume (pray) he means he's stuck without going into meds I want to avoid. I have had 11 months of my life that were relatively normal and that I got to enjoy living and found out that I am able to do things i secretly was afraid i was just too lazy to deal with.
So I wound up writing him version after version of the same thing, trying to find the words to say that I will make the awful decision to throw my psych. issues way out of whack if there's a chance of it letting me breathe. At least we know those can be stabilized albeit not easily. But this isn't stable either and this life is not what I want.So it's not much of a loss I guess. I wound up saying that and trying to be sure that I am correct and that if this was not me that there would be more of a chance of success. Because I suspect we're going to have to pretend it's not me and get aggressive.
I just have found another part of me that has been deeply hurt by what I've survived, but this time it is what I survived trying to live so long with unstable mental illness.
I don't like it.
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3 comments:
I am glad you have been able to survive with such a devasting illness as your rapid cycle bipolar, in addition to PTSD from abuse.
Not being able to breathe = anxiety in ANYONE. I worry about you. Have been around people that did not take care of asthma, and after awhile asthma can take you down and out the door in an ambulance.
Hoping today is a little better than last night.
I wish/hope/pray you and your doctors can come up with a PLAN for healing! You've been going round and round for so many months now - please know this situation would be hard on anyone. You've been wonderful and brave dealing with all of this. Take a moment to give yourself a little credit, ok?
Just for your frame of reference: In September of 2007 I injured my neck. I was fighting pain, couldn't sleep, and spent most of my time in bed or in a hot bath. My point? After two months (TWO months only - 60 days) I fell apart - just couldn't handle it any more! Sooooo... that's how me (a person without bi-polar who actually could breathe just fine) handled it all. Two months did me in. Please - give yourself mental hug for hanging in there as long as you have!
From reading your blog, I feel safe to say you do better if you have a plan. It calms you. You have a goal and direction to move forward.
My prayers and thoughts are with you. Specifically praying for a "plan" which will lead to taking back your life to the place it was (a good place!) before all of the asthma complications occured.
B.
I know you're going to see Dr. Brain soon. I am praying for your healing and waiting for the news that your medical team has indeed recommended a plan. You have some wonderful caring doctors. I've always enjoyed hearing about them. I will pray for them, too. SOOOOOO glad Dr. Brain is going to be there for you.
Following closely, Michal
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