This is a really hard path.
I'm heading to Dr. Mind soon. I really hope that I can say what I need to say and that he can help make it ok. We'll see. It is tricky and I also need to ask more about if he is leaving, because if he is I don't want to pursue ankle surgery but if he is staying I do want to get the process started because my ankle is getting more uncomfortable and needs the repair. But that's not a topic he's likely to want to get into if he knows he is leaving, because I'm already not so great. But this could last 3 months and I need more time than that to adjust.
I feel a lot like I did in that mess of trails right now. Every thought pattern leads another way and I have no way of knowing what to follow because my brain is so over-loaded with paths. I'm tired and I know that sitting down is not going to help me. I'm cold (but that's because I need a sweatshirt :). And I need help to get out of this place.
When I was in college I was in a support group for women who had been sexually abused/assaulted. The first year we met we had a retreat at a cabin the college owned that you could rent for very little money. It was in the middle of nowhere and hard to find without a very good map and directions.Everyone else went out earlier together but I had to finish a project and went by myself later. When I got there it was dark and I only saw one trail. I followed it for much longer than the 1/2 mile I was supposed to go. It began branching off and a few times I followed those branches. I was carrying a blanket and a backpack with some water and food and it was not freezing yet, just chilly, so I knew I would be ok until morning but it was still scary. It was completely dark, my flashlight was not that bright and I was afraid of using up all the batteries, and I kept finding myself at the end of logging trails with heavy machinery. For a while I tried to get to a light I could see in the distance, thinking that it was the cabin but eventually I could tell it was further away than I thought. After a few hours of wandering I prayed for God's help to stay on the path to get out of there. And He did. I finally managed to stay on one trail and soon enough saw headlights. The last pair of women from my group were arriving. I ran to them and discovered that there was a second path 90 degrees from the one I took. It was harder to see in the darkness and yet in minutes we were in front of a fireplace in the cabin.