Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, March 31, 2014

Where to begin?

I don't actually remember where I left off, but I'll take a wild guess without bothering to look back and say that my cat has the same kind of fatty tumor that my other cat has had for many years and which I thought it probably was from the feel of the lump.  Unless it grows it will stay put and be fine.  Thank God.  Losing the dog has been excruciatingly painful.  Losing my boy at the same time would be beyond tolerance.

In other news I will be seeing an orthopedist next week and planning ankle surgery for as soon as possible after we return from vacation in June.  I hurt my ankle yet again (I think that the unclear fracture is a fracture and that I increased it a bit when I tried to chase my niece the other day) and don't think I can really safely walk without a support on, which goes completely against my beliefs as a therapist (over-supporting a joint just makes it weaker.  But I think my ankle is as weak as it can get and that a support is going to be necessary until it is fixed.

My bipolar episode has more or less leveled off.  I'm not in a good place and my sleep is still crappy (writing this at 2:30 am and wide awake) but I'm not out of control anymore.  I don't know what Dr. Brain will want to do when I see her next.  I'm hoping we can try another Seroquel increase since the last did help.  I am on a huge dose but I know she uses higher doses than I'm on occasionally and I feel better about more of it than an addition of something I don't know.  I also know that I'm a good candidate for extreme dosing because my body tends to require huge doses of meds to respond (or tiny doses of some meds are too much). That may change when I talk to her; side effects alone may make me change my mind.
I'm backing down to seeing Dr. Mind once a week again this week I think and that's good. 

I've had time to watch just my younger niece the last 2 weeks.  Anne is hard for me to handle right now because I Don't think fast enough to keep up,  she can tell that she hurts my feelings so she uses that to hurt me when she gets in a mood (I can't laugh it off right now), and she just takes more energy than I have.  The baby, on the other hand, has a funny thing that she sleeps better for me than anyone else so watching her always involves a good long nap and she'll play happily with my only contribution being funny noises and talking to her/imitating what she "says" as she babbles.  In return she grins and laughs at me.  She is so extremely easy-going it is hard to believe she is related to her sister.  I love Anne but until Geraldine I didn't know how intense Anne was, even as an infant.  Geraldine is totally the opposite.  She just enjoys life.  She has the funniest laugh; it is rather deep and sounds more like a bubbling brook than a baby's giggle.  Hearing that laugh is a huge goal when I'm near her.  It helps me to have any time with the girls (I've had time with Anne both weeks as well but I haven't been caring for her, just playing or reading with other adults right there) and not being able to commit to a regular day of watching them this semester has really hurt.  Last semester I managed to do that because my mood was more stable.  This winter has been rough between being sick for over a month, lithium toxicity, this nasty episode that i just can't shake, the loss of the dog, the struggle with not being in my own place yet, etc. 

Not much else to say.  IT's hard to post lately because there just isn't much happening that is different from day to day.


Jean Grey said...

Can you do your surgery sooner? That is a long time to be in an ankle brace- you are right, your ankle will get weaker, and stiffer too.

Just Me JEn said...

No, I can';t do until after vacation unless I want to make that miserable (and lose a week of therapy). it also takes a while to coordinate between surgery, anesthesiology and psychiatry to make sure that everything is done safely and with a plan in place for everything.

The good thing is that the brace doesn't provide much support; I invert so badly that it seems unstoppable now. Even with a very supportive orthotic plus the brace I'm inverting badly. With nothing my medial malleolus is nearly touching the floor when there is weight through the joint. It's gross to look at.