Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, April 06, 2014


I am finding that the anxiety associated with my unnameable situation is incredibly intense.  I have been taking my full PRN klonopin and Dr Brain gave me a lo dose of valium as well for when it is out of control.  I made it through the day on just Klonopin but just took valium to relax enough to hopefully sleep some.

I find it so hard to know what to do to make the anxiety less.  I can't exercise right now because of my stupid ankle.  I almost went to my house at 10 pm to work on assembling my table but decided that if I got tired over there it wouldn't be ideal. 

I know cognitive ways to control anxiety.  I've worked very hard to learn them.  But this defies those techniques.  I think that this is something that changes how I see people, probably forever, and it has made some of the abuse I suffered much more relevant to my life than it has been since I left home. 

I like to help anxiety with knowledge.  I feel safe when I know more.  This situation though knowledge makes things worse.  I don't know what to do with that.  I am blundering around making decisions that are as hard as anything I've had to decide.  I'm trying to do that knowing I can change my mind later.  But what I'm dealing with is far beyond my understanding and that makes it seem bigger than the HUGE, life-changing, family-changing thing that it is.

2014 sucks.  I was sick through January, lithium toxic in February and then having psych issues through now.  Those were improving and I was even going to ask to come off med watch because I made it through without being suicidal.  No going to happen now.  2 weeks ago we lost our wonderful Gracie dog.  And now this.  This is the thing I just don't have answers for.

And I am so tired and so anxious.  My body wants to be anxious and MOVE.  My head wants to sleep to avoid this.  It's a weird combination.  This will be lasting several months so I guess eventually I'll get used to it.

OK, panic attack starting.  Hurts to breathe, having trouble breathing.  Gotta go fix that.

1 comment:

Jean Grey said...

Have you tried doing any seated exercises? Either weights or seated yoga/tai chi, etc. I'm sure there is something on Youtube that you could find. I know your ankle is making all of this harder.