Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, April 06, 2014

I miss Wednesday

Everything changed Thursday.  Things are not getting easier yet.  I don't know when they will.  Things will never be the same.  My family is divided now and there were only 4 of us (plus inlaws) to begin with.  I thought that when I gave up contact with my father that I would never do that again and I am doing it again.  It hurts, much more this time than with my father because that I planned to do.  This new divide came out of the blue.

I am having a rough night.  My mom is at my sister's and so I have the puppy.  He's had a rough time going to bed without my mom lately.  Tonight nothing makes him settle at all.  I stayed with him 75 minutes and tried various things before giving up and trying to leave him to put himself to sleep.  That didn't work so he is outside barking at something and hopefully he'll come back in and go to sleep because I really, really need to get to bed and try to find a way to sleep.  I have an appointment about my ankle tomorrow so I have to not take valium or I couldn't drive.  I saved my klonopin for this evening hoping that might help but I very much need quiet time in my bed, with my weighted blankets and without a puppy barking and crying at me.  I don't mind laying down with him in my mom's room if he settles, but when he carries on despite my being there it is pointless.  And frankly I can't handle it tonight.

Wednesday my life was so much easier and I didn't know it.  I was feeling a bit better, I was worried about this appointment and also about what would happen with Dr. Brain this week.  I was NOT worrying about day to day survival, I was not watching my family come apart at the seams.  I was looking forward to vacation (which I am not nearly as much now because it is going to have a big sad chunk).  I knew there was some hope of my house being inhabitable by the end of the week.  I really thought things were improving.  And then one of the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with happened.

The puppy is barking again.  I'm wearing noise blockers but can still hear him.  I am not going back down.  nothing I do is helping so he'll just have to settle himself down.  It feels mean but so does a lot of what I do lately.

I desperately want to see Dr. Mind.  Tuesday will be the earliest and probably it will be Wednesday.  After this week I'll see him twice a week for what I suspect will be a while.    More moey gone.  But I need help desperately and I need someone who isn't hurting as much as I am to help.

I can't take this dog.......I really can't.  But I have no idea what else to do.

Oh and to make things better my phone won't read it's SD card.  I downloaded a program that will provide GPS navigation.  It looks like maybe I can do a factory restart, losing everything on the phone and try again but I don't want to do that until after I am back from driving in a completely unfamiliar place in case it totally screws my phone up.  If that doesn't work I'll need a new phone (the new card is expensive enough to make the new phone more viable) and I don't have money for that. 

I really wish I could take my valium.......But a car accident would help nothing.  So I'll do my best.  The puppy gets 10 minutes more and I guess I go back down and try yet again to get him to sleep.  Usually it's not nearly this hard.  I'm sure he senses the stress around here too.  Just crying freaks him out and that's been so much of that.

I am about to decide to go to my house to work.  But he'd bark the whole time rather than calming down.  I wish my mom were home more nights but until the end of this semester she's needed down there a lot.

I can't stand this..........any of it.  Getting panic attacky.  Maybe 1/2 a valium......

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