Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

My broken heart

I want to explain what is happening and I can't do that because I don't want to risk putting something out there that could be used in court at some point.  It would take some doing to link this blog to me and then to the person who will be on trial but I don't want to risk it.  I don't want to risk being called as a witness when I only know secondhand information and a lot of pain.

To put it very simply my brother was arrested last week.  I will not say why but I will say that it is a very serious charge that echoes things that other men in my family have done.  I do not know specifically what he is charged with.  I know he is pleading not guilty and he is innocent until proven guilty.   There is just a risk and also intense anger that makes my sister and I unable to tolerate being with him. 

In the last 5 days we have cried more tears than I thought I could cry.  It has been like a death in the family, because our little family just crumbled.  I have had a lot of PTSD reactions and have had the weird experience of everyone suddenly knowing what happened to me as a small child and supporting me.  I am taking a lot of klonopin and a little valium (for a short time anyway).  I have no respect for him and I hate him yet I love him.  I don't ever want to see him again but I feel like I should support him and want to do that.  Yet his pictures upset me so much that I took them down from the hallway outside my room. 

Every day everyone changes how they are feeling and what they think.  Everyone is taking meds to sleep.  Nobody really knows how they feel.  Everything changes by the minute when we discuss it.  I am requesting one fact at a time because I don't want to be overwhelmed.  Today was a tiny bit easier for us all.  I've cried pretty hard tonight but only a little during the day.  The worst is when things sneak up on us.  I was just getting off the interstate yesterday when a song came up on my ipod that reminded me of our playing when I was 3 and he was a teenager.  The age gap made for a limited relationship but he was a good big brother when he wanted to be.

The whole thing is a horribly painful mess.  I'll be posting about it a lot I'm sure but no details for some time.  I will probably pull this post down in a few days, just to be safe.  

This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  It is the most unexpected thing I can think of.  But that's life and right now mine hurts.  A lot.

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