The first holiday

Today was the first holiday where one family member was purposefully excluded.  Honestly it didn't feel that weird because it is often my sister's family, my mom and I.  Last year though my brother was there and so that felt different.  My mom met him for a little bit yesterday and was really stressed by it.  She makes it look like it is easy for her to maintain a relationship and now I know it is very hard. I know mother's day will be MUCH worse though.  I dread it much more than I dreaded this one.   I dread vacation next month even more.  It wouldn't be bad if he hadn't been supposed to be there but he was.

Tonight my reaction was to want to sent him a couple pictures of the girls, just because that would be relatively normal.  I didn't, of course, but I almost did.

I nearly arrived in tears.  Just as I got close my iPod started playing a song that is great for Easter but not for me today.  It is from the perspective of the thieves who were hung with Jesus and is about how their lives got so off track.  Not ready for that one.  As far as tears go music is a hot spot for me.

Anne never mentioned it.  I was a little surprised by that but she was busy and he hasn't been a major player in her life.  I am not sure when she'll really notice he is gone.  She's been told but she'll have to see it herself.

So I now have a minor psychotropic sunburn (can't believe I never thought of sunscreen, I am always so good with that) and a tooth that needs immediate dental care (either I developed a huge cavity with no warning a clear xray 5 months ago in a few days time or I injured my tooth when I fell down the stairs, possibly with a smack from my laptop.  Regardless I am either going to be embarrassed if this huge cavity developed with my noticing (it's in a front tooth and if I missed it then one wonders if I ever look at my teeth, but I do...) or I am afraid of needing a root canal if it is injured and dying.  I really hope to get in tomorrow.  It will undoubtedly mess up my Dr Mind appointment but this week is full of appointments so something has to give.

Otherwise, one rough day down.  Many, many more to go.  It will be good when I can approach a "big day" (or a regular day) without the constant feeling of dread that follows me everywhere now.  Somehow I suspect that is a long time off since this won't be resolved for a long time.

One thing I am so glad of is that I had already told people from high school that I wouldn't be attending our reunion.  Guessing from the lack of any communication either they took me really seriously and didn't give me a chance to change my mind or the person or organizes them is ignoring me.  She and I don't get along so well and she tends to leave me out of things that I should be invited to.  Which is fine since I have no desire to do those things anyway, but I do wonder if I ever will be invited to any alumni function, ever.  But back to my point, the reunion would be bad because of gossip that I am not ready to face, especially the kind where people whisper behind your back just enough that you are aware.

Anyway, I came home and fell asleep on the couch, dreaming that I had passed out drunk in a public bathroom (I think b/c of how I had my head wedged under the cushions of the couch).  I've never been drunk so that part is odd but whatever.  I'm going to work on getting to sleep again now that I'm pretty sure the puppy is out for the night.  He ran and jumped and swam and ran and jumped and swam at my sister's and he's exhausted.  Huge blessing.