Not good

After a really long time with Dr. Brain yesterday we had this plan.  I was going to reduce my potentially-mania-inducing patch dose during the week while taking the Seroquel dose I'd discovered I could tolerate well (700 mg).  Then on weekends I'd up my patch, hopefully giving enough boost to prevent bad depression, as well as upping the Seroquel to 750, which knocks me out thoroughly, letting me make up sleep lost during the week.

That was a great plan, but now 700 of Seroquel isn't knocking me out.  So I went back up to my full patch dose and took the 750 of Seroquel, work night or not.  Hopefully that will put me out soon.

I don't like this.  Maxing out on Seroquel could begin a major nightmare. So could too much sedation.

I hate not knowing how to make myself feel better.

Wow

Last night I had no idea if I took meds or not.  I must have, as I finally, finally slept 12 hours.  I honestly don't feel super now but am attributing that to tired.  I can't beleive I slept through alarms and my cat turning on verbal narration on  my computer (grr).

I have to go see Dr.Brain here in just a little bit,and then this weekend is hopefully rest and get my space bar to work normally weekend. (stupid cat. She's adventure happy lately.  I have the cold air return vents off in 2 places from the painting. I heard this crazy noise the other day. It was the cat in the duct work.  All typos are courtesy of her as she's insistnet on helping here.).

I got an email yesterday that I have qualified for my company trip next spring.  3 days at a resort in Mexico,totally free including flight.  Too bad I'm quitting......

Anyway, I need to get ready for Dr.Brain.  I just don't want to-sooooooooooooo tired.........

This is making me CRAZY

Two nights ago I got to sleep around 9:30. Therefore I woke at 2:30 and got 50 very broken more minutes of sleep.  Now apparently I'm acclimated to 700 mgs of Seroquel and I'm wide awake at 9:30, despite having left home at 7, worked my butt off until 6:15 after starting at my first pt. on the way down to work, and I came to the motel and did the whole days' paperwork completiong.  I've had my meds, including my max of Seroquel.  And I'm wide awake and anxious.  Not good.

I know that my body has incredible powers when it comes to soaking up sedatives.  But really????????????  This is insane.  I am so extremely tired and yet I'm just not sleepy.

Today I also had to accept that my medical expenses for the year are not over. 2 months ago a bonded area on one of my front teeth snapped off.  My dentist said it was from grinding my teeth and that the whole tooth was broken all over and it should have been crowned originally and that it would probably crumble and get sharp edges and I'd need a crown.  I woke up to a shredded lip this morning, so I'm working on scheduling the stupid crown.  That will be 3 in 3 years and they are expensive.  I am going to be very close to $3000 from ready to buy a car (I hope) this weekend and this is not going to help.  I don't really know where this money is coming from.  Oh well, it will appear somehow, even if it is my overtime pay rather than sending all of that to Discover.

I got the neatest deal online.  My sister wanted to cloth diaper.  My mother and I gave them 6, I gave her 3 more, and she bought a few.  Nobody else got them for her.  So that means she is having to mix in disposables and I could see how sad that made them.  The diapers she wanted changed styles and I found them on sale, buy 6 get 2 free.  Christmas! I thought. Well, I then got an email that they are out of the old ones but are going to give me 8 of the new ones for the sale cost, saving me $36.  I'm so happy.  I love saving money.

And I think I might fall asleep if I roll over and read something.  Time to try anyway.  I hate to drag out more meds but I may have to.  I guess the good this is with my paperwork done I can sleep late if I can.

Something with substance soon, I promise. I have Dr. Mind tomorrow and Dr. Brain Saturday so between them something is sure to come up.

More about my mother/Update on me

This really just came up with Dr. Mind last week.  So it's still new to me and I'm not sure where we'll go with it.  But among all the other things that come up if I decide to go near the "my mother hurts me" door, which I haven't done much but seem to be a lot lately as I learn gradually to use the word "angry".  I think that there are a lot of times that I still believe her not-realistic versions of things, and I have to start focusing on the fact that she is not only infallible, she also has an extreme capacity for denial.  And with that capacity she can sound very confident and matter-of-fact and just right, when really she is very, very wrong.  But I don't always look for what is wrong in her statements, even if they hurt me.  I think(?) I wrote on here last week about finally figuring out that her years of promising that my sister and I will be good friends someday was not true.  Dr. Mind was somewhat horrified by this, pointing out that first, she can't know this, second, she's making promises about other people, not herself, and third it is unfair to both my sister and I to make this almost a directive.  For so long part of why I've tried so hard with my sister is that I thought I was supposed to,and that if I tried hard enough I could fix everything.  Not true, as it turns out.  In reality I can't do more than I do.  I initiate emails.  I initiate contact.  I make a big effort to be involved with my niece.  And my sister does little back.  In fact I got the baby something that apparently has kept her content for hours at a time, letting my sister actually work without trying to nurse at the same time, and my sister has told my mom all about how much she loves it but I've not heard a thing., except from my mother.  But I'm only 50% of the relationship and if she doesn't try it doesn't matter what I hope for.  Which is a concept I find painful as sometimes it seems like life is all about not getting what I hope for, but that's another topic for when I'm not mid-mixed episode which does give everything a negative slant.

I had labs today, and hopefully will find out I need more thyroid medication.  That would actually not be surprising since I've got several symptoms of out-of-whack thyroid, and since it's easy to fix it would be a very good thing. I also had a lithium level and a test to be sure my body, mainly my kidneys are handling things with the extra lithium.

I also heard from Dr. Brain and I have possibly been thrusting myself into klonopin withdrawl.  Apparently on the dose I'm taking you can't just take what you wish without risking withdrawl symtpoms.  Gotta say, I'm proud of myself for that one.

Anyway, it's so good she's being very involved as this feels like the edge is near and I cannot go over it.  Not now.  Hopefully I'll respond to this much medication and all will improve this week.  We'll see.

More of what I was saying last night

First, to anonymous, I really appreciate how respectful you are trying to be.  I used to get so tired of people telling me my family life sounded like a soap opera.  It was awful, and obviously there is an unease that goes with having your family be known as "one of THOSE PERVERT teachers".  

I think that when something is written on here it is immediately up for discussion, unless I ask otherwise, which I have done from time to time.  In fact I hope to have discussion.  I find other people's opinions very helpful because sometimes my thinking isn't very clear.  Also, other people don't have all the emotional engagement that I do.  Sometimes the emotional engagement is bad.  I know that I will ignore my mother hurting me frequently because I can't stand the idea of giving up both my parents.  And selfishly I need help from her sometimes.  But also she has tried.  She doesn't get it, and she doesn't often follow through with what she should, but she tries.  Last year when I was too sick for Thanksgiving she managed to arrange for it to just be her and I and we ate a roast, nothing fancy or tricky.  That gets her a lot of credit.  Where she loses credit is that she wasn't a good mother in many ways when I was a kid; she tends to be judgmental and decides that I'm being negative when I am being factual, or that I don't interpret things right (ie my sister being mean to me).  She think she can read my symptoms but she couldn't be further from the truth a lot, nor can she come to any level of understanding about how sick I really am at times.  However, I also know that sometimes this is simply her denial, her fear that the things she did caused this or made it worse.  And there is no way to know.

I need to go to get blood drawn then see a few patients, so I'm going to stop writing and get moving.

(Essentially the point here:  as long as you are fair and polite I don't care what is said here; I like new ideas. If I'm not well enough to want other's input I will always say so).

Answer to a good question

Anonymous wrote (and others have probably wondered):

I have wondered about your relationship with your mom... from the comments you have made, specifically last fall, it seems very obvious she doesn't understand your medical condition. Or, that she doesn't want to. Then this lack of understanding translates to "what do I tell so and so...." or "come and watch my dog no matter HOW you are feeling" - Arghh! It has to be frustrating. And you also must be a very forgiving person. I cannot say I would be as willing to have a relationship with anyone who did not take extreme measures to stop the abuse of a little girl. And then, to see that the ramifications were dealt with properly. It was a different time then, but still... that you are able to forgive her makes you even that much more amazing in my eyes! I will be reading, but I am not sure I should make comments like this. After all, it's not a novel, it is your life. Too, I am wondering if my thoughts are rude, destructive , and/or insensitive.

It's a good question.  The answer is no, it does not bother me.  My  mother has done some horrible things and said some incredibly insensitive ones.  What upset me yesterday is a great example.  After I found out that my parents had known I was being sexually abused and they did nothing I was so angry that I finally cut things off with my father permanently and minimized my discussions with my mother.  I then chose to go to graduate school far away.  Being away from her was only one reason for my move.  All of my reasons were good and  valid and most importantly extremely important to me because every decision I've made about my life since then has been mainly based around "can my illness and I do this?".

I actually benefit from hearing people say something she has done is wrong, insensitive, unkind, etc.  Because of how I grew up it's very hard for me to just know these things sometimes.  And one of the things that I will have to address some day soon with Dr. Mind is how very angry I am with my mother.

Everything is so complex with her.  We went a long time without much of a relationship.  Now I just try to be realistic; she has significant limitations in what understands; she has a lot of feelings of guilt, and she does try to help. She just isn't built to help without hurting sometimes.  This doesn't negate the past and that there is a huge amount I have refused to deal with in this topic, but I've just made a decision over the years to try to accept who she is, even if she can't do the same for me.

I'll write more on this tomorrow or soon.  I'm falling asleep sitting up as my meds kicked in about 5 minutes ago.

I am only responsible for me......

One of the things that happens when I feel like I do right now is that I feel guilty for everything.  I want all these things to work just like they do when I feel ok and they can't.  My house is a mess.  But I'm not well enough to clean; I need rest more.  Yesterday I had a meltdown because my curtains keep falling down thanks to my purchase of these curtain hangers my mom thinks are wonderful and which I hate with a passion.  I did finally discover my low-vision cat is pulling on them when she tries to get her paws on the windowsill to pull up, but there's still nothing like coming home, going into the bathroom and getting your clothes off to put on pajamas, going to get the pajamas and discovering your bedroom has no curtains, exposing you to about 7 neighboring homes.

Part of what happened yesterday was that my mother made me very, very angry.  Angry like I rarely/never let myself become.  I didn't feel like showing her how I felt or how much she'd hurt my feelings, so instead I was just hurt.  Later I tried to write a letter but I am too afraid of saying things wrong, because I do, often, so instead I will wind up using this as something to learn from with Dr.Mind, except that it leaves unsaid so much that I am so upset with her about.  Also included in this is the fact that the whole thing is that she feels hurt because of a decision I made nearly 11 years ago.  The fact that I was upset with her played a role, but in her mind it's apparently all about her and she therefore condemns it.  And in reality it is something I'm so glad I decided (it's all about where I went to grad school) , not only because it was the right decision for me, but because it was the only time as an adult that I will ever make a huge decision and not have weigh in mental illness.

And then,just to make me feel worse, I had an email from my handyman.  Yesterday I'd emailed in response to one from him that I had left the things for a job on my porch.  He apparently didn't get this and emailed in the middle of the night he'd like to come today as he has to pay for a $150 textbook.  Which was kind of guilt trip, as he was supposed to make $150 doing painting for me and I held off because of my own finances/not feeling well/house is a wreck, and I feel bad but I do not need guilt trips.  I have a lot coming up financially with a job change and need to buy a new car and my working very hard at paying off debt to increase my credit score to allow paying for the car.  And I'm happy to give him work, but I can't be his bank.  I want to finish my house too, but I have to make decisions about my financial situation first and foremost, and I also have to take care of my own health before anything else.  I didn't get his email until now (because I refused to look at emails unless they were from Dr. Brain, all day), but regardless, I can't help feeling bad.  Not too bad, because I know that my mom has been trying to get hold of him about finishing something he started at her house, but still, I need a handyman who doesn't NEED me.)

And I was all happy because I bought a jar of mixed olives at the grocery yesterday and had every intention of putting them in my lunches this week as I try to be a slightly healthier eater.  When I feel like I do right now I let myself eat whatever sounds good because I tend to stop eating if I don't.  But I can't take the olives because I didn't pay attention that they had seeds and I can't drive and eat olives without seeds without risking breaking teeth.  So much for that bright idea....

Life isn't all bad, and I know I sound like I think it is right now.  I'm frustrated because I hate having mixed episodes and I hate needing more meds.  I was doing well at meeting the "1 year of stability and we can start  to try decreasing meds" regime rule and in the last few months that went totally away.  I was on high dose Seroquel, now I'm on extremely high dose Seroquel.  But I also had a really good time with my niece yesterday and got to see one smile and a few half smiles, as well as snuggling a sleeping baby for a really long time.  She's very into facial expressions right now and that's so much fun. I also modified a baby play mat to make it give more variety and first got an incredible deal at the consignment store (I got the mat and all the things I added to it for less than half the cost of the actual mat) and my niece LOVES it.  Apparently she started smiling as soon as she was on it and was talking to it and just absolutely in love immediately.  And that makes me happy.  And I'm so grateful for my amazing Dr. Brain who responded very quickly to my request for help and listened until we figured out what I could take, and I see her this week so she'll help more then  It also helps so much to know that she knows if I"m calling I'm in bad shape.   And Dr. Mind got me in last week and will listen and let me cry and make me feel better about my mother this week.  And I love my job, although hopefully I can keep it to less hours this week.  Last week was way too much.

And speaking of jobs, I need to take my meds and make sure I have enough clean scrubs to get through a day or two.  I'm working at least part of a day tomorrow, and I really don't want to do laundry today.  I think I'm ok but it is hard to be sure from here;I can see tops in my clothes but not if there are pants.  really I should wash some scrubs and my sheets.  But I don't want to.......We'll see.  I really need to try to stay awake a while long to take lithium late so I don't have to from labs quite so early.

Thank you all for listening, and caring.  This blog is one of my best sources of strength.  Way back when I started it I took 3 months from the time I picked a name and started playing with formatting to work up the courage to say a word.  Now when I'm upset it's you all are one of the first places I turn.

I am not ok

I just increased my Seroquel dose again.  I'm at the (drugged into occuring) end of 3.5 hours of crying. I had reasons but  not 3.5 hours worth.  These mood swings scare me; they are so fast.  (sorry if put in the wrong word or have typos, I'm getting sleepy from lots of meds).

Will explain more tomorrow.

Making a List

I'm going to go be Aunt Jen for a while today so I got up early.  (Well, that and I always get up early, but often on weekends I can get a little more sleep after being up an hour or so, and the last 2 days since increasing my seroquel I have gone back to sleep both mornings.  But my body is adjusting (and it is helping at least some), so I'm gradually recovering.  I hope.

Anyway, I've been starting to buy lots of long-sleeve t-shirts to wear under scrubs during the winter and had a bunch of new ones to wash, along with some baby things.  As I did so I was making mental to-do list.  Part of that list was trying to figure out if any of my family has a pet crate I can borrow on my vacation.  Which made me start mentally planning things I need to buy for that.  As I was sorting those new t-shirts I realized that this is the first of what I imagine will be many times that the contrast between this year and last year at this time will be huge.

I fell in long with this style of t-shirt last year when I had to buy a lot of casual clothes for the psych ward.  When I knew I was going there I had a lot of things I knew I needed (I usually don't have a ton of  casual stuff because I don't need it), so I hit sales every week to build up my supply and check things off the list.

And the difference between these 2 lists, ironically planned for one year apart although I went to the hospital prior to the planned date, is so huge.  I like this one better.

And they all fall down

(Written Wednesday) I think I hit a bottom today.  Not my worst bottom.  Not even close.  But a bottom bad enough to call Dr. Brain for help, something I think I've done 4 times in the last 3 years, and one of those was a request to be hospitalized. I am doing so crummily that someone at work asked if I was ok because I've been so quiet.  That scared me.  I brushed it off as tired, but it's more.  Much more.

(Written Thursday) Thankfully Dr.Brain and I figured out a plan.  The issue was I needed more mood stabilizer, fast, without side effects.  After considering a lot of options I asked if I could take more extended release Seroquel.  For some reason (probably the hospital) I thought I couldn't have any more than I take.  Not true, especially for me.  And Seroquel XR (don't remember about the other kind) works FAST.  I slept better last night than I have in forever and woke up feeling better. I even went back to sleep for an hour. I made it through the day without frequent doses of Klonopin, and it was a very stressful day; I had to call 911 and send a patient to the hospital with a possible heart attack.  The meant something I'd never realized until today:  I had to be there and be ready to do CPR.  If he coded I was in charge.  Ironically I had to cancel my CPR class today and believe me, you don't want me doing CPR on you.  Thankfully he was still ok when the paramedics got there, but it was scary.  And I handled it, even managing to keep the family from seeing my panic.

I actually managed to feel productive today, I made small talk which is a good sign, and I got a nice compliment from a nurse, who told me I have been assessment skills than some nurses.  I'm pretty sure that has to do with first more training in assessment than an LPN even if it is theoretically differently aimed; I still know how to make an overall clinical assessment, and second, I've got a lot of years of practice under my belt.

I also did something really big. I told them yesterday that I very much need vacation between this contract and starting working for them.  I had previously said I'd wait if I didn't have an assistant; I now have changed that to "I really need a break".  I've not had actual time off (just a few sick days, a few days of many medical appts, and what Dr. Mind calls my trip to the spa in Cleveland last year. I think a spa that only lets you shower with an inch wide strip of low pressure water because a shower head would be dangerous is not much of a spa).  And today I followed Dr. Brain's strong suggestion and booked the most remote cabin I could find (around a state park or two) for several days in November.  I can take my cats, and it has no phone, no cellular, no internet.  Just a tv/DVD, fireplace, hot tub, and wildlife feeding station to watch. No guests allowed. It's not remotely camping; it's gorgeous.  It's very, very isolated and I will be forced to just relax because there will be nothing else to do.  I can hike if the weather is ok, and  I may take some sewing, but I'm mainly just going to relax.  A lot.  If I find I can swing it financially and it's possible I may add a day or two on.  I need that time desperately.

So I'm feeling like there is hope.  Tuesday Dr. Mind asked if I was afraid when I admitted I was cycling.  I said no but I lied (he loves it when I do that).  I was actually beyond fear; too much correlation to this time last year when nothing was helping my depression and  I had to realize (nearly exactly a year ago) that I was going to go on the MAOI and that I also was probably going to be in the hospital.  The problem with having been through that is that while I know there was a specific reason (med failure) that I was so sick, ever since I learned that I could feel like I did for those 3 weeks I was sickest I want run away if there is any chance that could repeat.  Of course there is, but it helps a lot to see that things can improve quickly with the right tweaks.  I hate hopelessness.  Yet I realistically know I'm not 100% well nor will I continue to feel as good as most of today was for a while.

And now it is time to practice that sleep thing I think.....