And they all fall down

(Written Wednesday) I think I hit a bottom today.  Not my worst bottom.  Not even close.  But a bottom bad enough to call Dr. Brain for help, something I think I've done 4 times in the last 3 years, and one of those was a request to be hospitalized. I am doing so crummily that someone at work asked if I was ok because I've been so quiet.  That scared me.  I brushed it off as tired, but it's more.  Much more.

(Written Thursday) Thankfully Dr.Brain and I figured out a plan.  The issue was I needed more mood stabilizer, fast, without side effects.  After considering a lot of options I asked if I could take more extended release Seroquel.  For some reason (probably the hospital) I thought I couldn't have any more than I take.  Not true, especially for me.  And Seroquel XR (don't remember about the other kind) works FAST.  I slept better last night than I have in forever and woke up feeling better. I even went back to sleep for an hour. I made it through the day without frequent doses of Klonopin, and it was a very stressful day; I had to call 911 and send a patient to the hospital with a possible heart attack.  The meant something I'd never realized until today:  I had to be there and be ready to do CPR.  If he coded I was in charge.  Ironically I had to cancel my CPR class today and believe me, you don't want me doing CPR on you.  Thankfully he was still ok when the paramedics got there, but it was scary.  And I handled it, even managing to keep the family from seeing my panic.

I actually managed to feel productive today, I made small talk which is a good sign, and I got a nice compliment from a nurse, who told me I have been assessment skills than some nurses.  I'm pretty sure that has to do with first more training in assessment than an LPN even if it is theoretically differently aimed; I still know how to make an overall clinical assessment, and second, I've got a lot of years of practice under my belt.

I also did something really big. I told them yesterday that I very much need vacation between this contract and starting working for them.  I had previously said I'd wait if I didn't have an assistant; I now have changed that to "I really need a break".  I've not had actual time off (just a few sick days, a few days of many medical appts, and what Dr. Mind calls my trip to the spa in Cleveland last year. I think a spa that only lets you shower with an inch wide strip of low pressure water because a shower head would be dangerous is not much of a spa).  And today I followed Dr. Brain's strong suggestion and booked the most remote cabin I could find (around a state park or two) for several days in November.  I can take my cats, and it has no phone, no cellular, no internet.  Just a tv/DVD, fireplace, hot tub, and wildlife feeding station to watch. No guests allowed. It's not remotely camping; it's gorgeous.  It's very, very isolated and I will be forced to just relax because there will be nothing else to do.  I can hike if the weather is ok, and  I may take some sewing, but I'm mainly just going to relax.  A lot.  If I find I can swing it financially and it's possible I may add a day or two on.  I need that time desperately.

So I'm feeling like there is hope.  Tuesday Dr. Mind asked if I was afraid when I admitted I was cycling.  I said no but I lied (he loves it when I do that).  I was actually beyond fear; too much correlation to this time last year when nothing was helping my depression and  I had to realize (nearly exactly a year ago) that I was going to go on the MAOI and that I also was probably going to be in the hospital.  The problem with having been through that is that while I know there was a specific reason (med failure) that I was so sick, ever since I learned that I could feel like I did for those 3 weeks I was sickest I want run away if there is any chance that could repeat.  Of course there is, but it helps a lot to see that things can improve quickly with the right tweaks.  I hate hopelessness.  Yet I realistically know I'm not 100% well nor will I continue to feel as good as most of today was for a while.

And now it is time to practice that sleep thing I think.....