Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, September 13, 2010

When paranoia and reality collide.

I'm confused.  I hate being confused like this.

Here is what I know:  About a week ago I was quite disturbed because I was fairly sure I could hear a neighbor beating their dog.  I couldn't prove it, I couldn't even figure out where I was hearing this from. (I live on a hillside that they made a circular street which goes up and around.  I live at the bottom middle.  There are about 8 houses on the loop and our backyards all connect.  There are also houses across the street from the 8 houses in the cluster, more up on the top of the hill than down here.  That's a lot of places noises can come from).  I was really upset because I couldn't do anything about it, but I also wasn't sure.  For all I knew I was hearing 2 unrelated noises.  I have a big thing about animals being hurt, as in it completely freaks me out, so I don't always trust myself on that.

Those who were reading last fall and didn't lose the whole thing in the midst of my hospitalization saga may remember that just before that happened I had started to talk to Dr. Mind about my terror of guns.  I am pretty much phobic about them, and as we talked it because clear that I quite probably have had some terrifying experience with them that I don't remember.  I tend to link this to my fear of animals being hurt.  Where I come from, even here, culturally many people think euthenasia of pets is ludicrous.  When Fluffy gets sick or starts peeing every where or you just don't want Fluffy any more you um, take care of it.  People think it is ridiculous to pay for the vet to do it in a kinder way.  My suspicion is that I was exposed to something of this sort, whether it was on purpose to frighten me (child molester), someone not realizing I was around, or someone not caring I was there.  There's a lot of ways it could have happened, and it may not even have been an animal; guns were used to threaten people in my home as well.

Anyway, this weekend I woke up to the sound of gunshot followed by a dog yelping and whining, followed by another shot, a weaker yelp, then nothing.  So I'm fairly sure I heard someone shoot their dog.  Except that I am so far into this mixed episode that I can't trust that I didn't make that totally up.  Which is very frustrating.  I haven't dealt with too much paranoia for a while; mainly that was part of my life back in the days of no meds working.  And back then it was dreadful.  Even showers terrified me because I was sure someone would come into the bathroom and attack me (real part of my life), or that the floor wouldn't hold the tub and I'd fall through the floor into the basement (I was hyperaware of dry rot).

It's when paranoia may well be true that it is hardest.  I have no way to judge, and I don't know what is worse:  having that be true or having it be a very paranoid way of glomming together unrelated events.   Well, obviously it's worse if it is true, but at the same time making that up is also pretty scary.........

Anyway, time to start the exciting what does it take to sleep tonight routine.

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