Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind. I'm apparently going to never get through the post about last week, but Dr. Mind said some incredibly nice things about me, including that I'm one of the strongest people he has known. We have worked quite a bit on my accepting that I deserve credit for where I am, but this came from seemingly nowhere and means a ton because Dr. Mind does not hand out compliments easily. He said I almost never have complained in the last 4 1/2 years. Clearly he does not read my blog :). But since I remember a dark time when I was feeling better and he was interpreting most of what I said to have a negative slant when it wasn't intended that way, this is a big, big deal. I remember back then saying to him "You seem to think I see everything negatively. Do you know that I have a sarcastic sense of humor? And sometimes I'm trying to be funny and you see it as something bad." And then we had a difficult discussion all those years ago about he didn't know that about me, he didn't know anything but the very sick person I'd been most of the time he knew me. So going to see Dr. Mind is a feel-good proposition. Sort of. Because the compliments won't continue now, we're going to go to the hard stuff again.
I've talked here about being angry with my mother, and I have with him as well. But I just figured out this weekend, based on the "I can't drive because I'm too groggy/But the food was expensive" conversation that my mother has assigned roles. I realized earlier this summer that she thinks I have an extremely negative outlook because I won't say my illness will go away. But in her mind I am "the sick one". And her maintenance of that has meant that my problems with my sister have a great deal to do with her, because she has assumed everything I've said has been me making things bad even when she has seen it, and she doesn't stand up for me. I'm sure there is more but I'm getting sleepy.
Oh, but one big huge piece of news: I have a cubicle! After almost 5 months of using other people's desks I have my very own desk/cubicle. Hooray!!!!!!!!!This means I can actually not carry everything I might ever need in my car. I am so happy.......
And now, goodnight.