This week hasn't been that bad really, yet I've not written much. It all has to do with dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow is trial by fire day for me.
I grind my teeth. Then I break them. I have a bite guard but I can't wear it all the time depending on how gaggy I am. The joke at my dentist's office is that I get a crown a year. About 15 years ago when I was a camp counselor an autistic child who was agitated from noise made a beeline for a more open area and was running while raising his hands to his ears. He ran smack into me and his rising arms hit under my chin, slamming my mouth shut and breaking the top off my tooth. My dental practice at the time was a father/son deal. The son was great, I loved him. The father was a bit beyond where he should have been practicing. I know that because each time a tooth breaks and they get inside they find a messed up filling. Most of my fillings have been replaced or crowned now so hopefully this will let up, but he repaired the broken tooth. He slapped some bonding on it and called it done. Fast forward to this year and I broke the bonding off, probably grinding. I went to the dentist expecting to get it re-bonded but he just smoothed it off and said bonding wouldn't work because the tooth was essentially shattered, and that it would gradually crumble and I'd need a crown. Within 3 weeks of this prediction I woke up with my lip shredded because the tooth broke more and had a sharp edge. So tomorrow is the crown, at least part one of it. I also have this odd feeling he said something about a root canal, but I'm hoping I made that up.
I painfully put aside the $500 co-pay (money that I could use elsewhere in the great debt resolution 2010, plus I need new shoes. Mine hurt. A lot. Apparently I'm going wear shoes out really fast until my ankle is fixed. Yippee.) And tomorrow I'll go and medicate myself for the anxiety, keeping the remainder of what Dr. Brain said I could take where others can access it. They'll go through their whole routine of making everything the same and making sure I'm as comfortable and relaxed as possible, they'll numb me (with extra shots because I can't have regular numbing with the MAOI) and then let me sit for quite a while until I am extremely numb, and then I'll have to deal with horrible sounds, fighting gagging, holding still when someone messes with me, etc. I know the dentist isn't holding me down, but it is similar. And the whole time I sit there I know that he knows that it is highly likely not only sexually abused but that oral sex was part of what happened to me. Because people who act like I do are likely to have that history. I found that out accidentally, had it confirmed by Dr. Mind who said that the only thing he really knew before he was given the great list of things that happened to me was that this was likely, and while they are wonderful and so kind, it is emotionally so hard to have my face messed with and not be able to move.
So tomorrow isn't much fun.
I've also been working hard on figuring out what to negotiate for on Friday. Which is scary as I hate negotiating, yet I also am taking a humongous pay cut no matter what (unless they are insanely generous) and so I have all kinds of data and reasoning, and I'm nervous about it.
Today I left before dawn and got home just after the sun set.I did go to the fabric store for a few minutes, but such a long, long day. I still have 30 minutes of paperwork I'm avoiding. Tomorrow I'll undoubtedly rest a lot, and then I see Dr. Mind in the evening unless I'm hurting too much. However, i really need to see the billing person as my stupid insurance has now marked all claims for therapy for the whole year rejected. Which is a HUGE amount of money that I wouldn't have minded paying visit to visit, but in a lump sum it's a lot to handle. We spent literally months trying to get them to understand they were paying what they shouldn't (they paid in-network when Dr. Mind isn't) and eventually gave up. I suspect they've now discovered the mistake and are demanding the $ back.
I have to finish those notes now. I'm going to be sleepy very soon.
More tomorrow unless I'm too high on Vicodin.