Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, September 05, 2010

I am only responsible for me......

One of the things that happens when I feel like I do right now is that I feel guilty for everything.  I want all these things to work just like they do when I feel ok and they can't.  My house is a mess.  But I'm not well enough to clean; I need rest more.  Yesterday I had a meltdown because my curtains keep falling down thanks to my purchase of these curtain hangers my mom thinks are wonderful and which I hate with a passion.  I did finally discover my low-vision cat is pulling on them when she tries to get her paws on the windowsill to pull up, but there's still nothing like coming home, going into the bathroom and getting your clothes off to put on pajamas, going to get the pajamas and discovering your bedroom has no curtains, exposing you to about 7 neighboring homes.

Part of what happened yesterday was that my mother made me very, very angry.  Angry like I rarely/never let myself become.  I didn't feel like showing her how I felt or how much she'd hurt my feelings, so instead I was just hurt.  Later I tried to write a letter but I am too afraid of saying things wrong, because I do, often, so instead I will wind up using this as something to learn from with Dr.Mind, except that it leaves unsaid so much that I am so upset with her about.  Also included in this is the fact that the whole thing is that she feels hurt because of a decision I made nearly 11 years ago.  The fact that I was upset with her played a role, but in her mind it's apparently all about her and she therefore condemns it.  And in reality it is something I'm so glad I decided (it's all about where I went to grad school) , not only because it was the right decision for me, but because it was the only time as an adult that I will ever make a huge decision and not have weigh in mental illness.

And then,just to make me feel worse, I had an email from my handyman.  Yesterday I'd emailed in response to one from him that I had left the things for a job on my porch.  He apparently didn't get this and emailed in the middle of the night he'd like to come today as he has to pay for a $150 textbook.  Which was kind of guilt trip, as he was supposed to make $150 doing painting for me and I held off because of my own finances/not feeling well/house is a wreck, and I feel bad but I do not need guilt trips.  I have a lot coming up financially with a job change and need to buy a new car and my working very hard at paying off debt to increase my credit score to allow paying for the car.  And I'm happy to give him work, but I can't be his bank.  I want to finish my house too, but I have to make decisions about my financial situation first and foremost, and I also have to take care of my own health before anything else.  I didn't get his email until now (because I refused to look at emails unless they were from Dr. Brain, all day), but regardless, I can't help feeling bad.  Not too bad, because I know that my mom has been trying to get hold of him about finishing something he started at her house, but still, I need a handyman who doesn't NEED me.)

And I was all happy because I bought a jar of mixed olives at the grocery yesterday and had every intention of putting them in my lunches this week as I try to be a slightly healthier eater.  When I feel like I do right now I let myself eat whatever sounds good because I tend to stop eating if I don't.  But I can't take the olives because I didn't pay attention that they had seeds and I can't drive and eat olives without seeds without risking breaking teeth.  So much for that bright idea....

Life isn't all bad, and I know I sound like I think it is right now.  I'm frustrated because I hate having mixed episodes and I hate needing more meds.  I was doing well at meeting the "1 year of stability and we can start  to try decreasing meds" regime rule and in the last few months that went totally away.  I was on high dose Seroquel, now I'm on extremely high dose Seroquel.  But I also had a really good time with my niece yesterday and got to see one smile and a few half smiles, as well as snuggling a sleeping baby for a really long time.  She's very into facial expressions right now and that's so much fun. I also modified a baby play mat to make it give more variety and first got an incredible deal at the consignment store (I got the mat and all the things I added to it for less than half the cost of the actual mat) and my niece LOVES it.  Apparently she started smiling as soon as she was on it and was talking to it and just absolutely in love immediately.  And that makes me happy.  And I'm so grateful for my amazing Dr. Brain who responded very quickly to my request for help and listened until we figured out what I could take, and I see her this week so she'll help more then  It also helps so much to know that she knows if I"m calling I'm in bad shape.   And Dr. Mind got me in last week and will listen and let me cry and make me feel better about my mother this week.  And I love my job, although hopefully I can keep it to less hours this week.  Last week was way too much.

And speaking of jobs, I need to take my meds and make sure I have enough clean scrubs to get through a day or two.  I'm working at least part of a day tomorrow, and I really don't want to do laundry today.  I think I'm ok but it is hard to be sure from here;I can see tops in my clothes but not if there are pants.  really I should wash some scrubs and my sheets.  But I don't want to.......We'll see.  I really need to try to stay awake a while long to take lithium late so I don't have to from labs quite so early.

Thank you all for listening, and caring.  This blog is one of my best sources of strength.  Way back when I started it I took 3 months from the time I picked a name and started playing with formatting to work up the courage to say a word.  Now when I'm upset it's you all are one of the first places I turn.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you get all of that out of your system.

I have wondered about your relationship with your mom... from the comments you have made, specifically last fall, it seems very obvious she doesn't understand your medical condition. Or, that she doesn't want to. Then this lack of understanding translates to "what do I tell so and so...." or "come and watch my dog no matter HOW you are feeling" - Arghh! It has to be frustrating. And you also must be a very forgiving person. I cannot say I would be as willing to have a relationship with anyone who did not take extreme measures to stop the abuse of a little girl. And then, to see that the ramifications were dealt with properly. It was a different time then, but still... that you are able to forgive her makes you even that much more amazing in my eyes!

I will be reading, but I am not sure I should make comments like this. After all, it's not a novel, it is your life. Too, I am wondering if my thoughts are rude, destructive, and/or insensitive. That is NOT my intent - it is soooooo not my intent.

So glad to hear you had some good time with your baby neice. It is VERY cool that you have been sewing and making her gifts from your heart! That's a HUGE reason to smile for sure.

Is the Seroquil helping? I thank God you are living in 2010 where there are meds that are effective. I also that God that I am living in 2010 where there are meds that are effective. Ha!

Sleep well, and may you dream the dreams of angels.