Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Sunday, September 19, 2010

So angry

I'm beginning to realize that this episode of mine partly has to do with how incredibly angry I am with my mother.  Somehow my niece's birth made a lot of this much more real, or caused repeats of things that I'd gotten over being mad about.

Today was a great example of why I am so angry.  We were supposed to have a family thing today.  My sister's family came yesterday to avoid a huge amount of driving in one day with the baby.  I already knew I wasn't going to get a huge day of rest because I had to get my hair cut and some stuff like that.  Then my cat woke me at 3 and I couldn't get back to sleep.  And then I fell apart after the loss of my expensive bra, and napped a little,but not enough.  I'd already decided to go down last night for a while because I wanted to see my niece and knew I could do that better if it weren't crowded, and I knew as long as I slept Saturday night I could be done for an hour or so today.  I'd already warned my mother about this, as well as that I had promised Dr. Mind to do nothing stupid like not take meds in whatever dose was needed if I wasn't sleeeping even if it meant missing out today.  She was away.  So I went down, made supper, visited after people came for a while and went home to bed and then couldn't sleep.

Well, last night was bad.  I had to heavily knock myself out.  And when I still couldn't walk straight at 10 I called my mom to tell her I probably wasn't going to make it although I'd try.  Her response?  (This totally sealed the deal on why I am so mad at her.  I can barely think of a more insensitive thing).  "But I spent $25 on salmon!  I don't want to waste it!".  Yeah, thanks for the concern.  Glad you care that I fell like I took a horse tranquilizer.  Glad you care that maybe I don't want to miss out but that I have to.  Again.  And that you knew this was possible because I've said it all along.  I know in her mind she thinks I saw the baby last night and that's all I care about.  When really I wanted to do this differently but well, my family doctor says that the meds I'm normally on are way more than he's ever seen an awake person take.  And when I am taking the "I can't sleep" dose I am taking 50 mg less than the maximum possible dose of seroquel period (although people do take more) and 150 mg over the official max dose for my version.  So it's going to knock me out.

I just called again.  She's pouting.  That's the best way I can describe.  No concern about how I feel, very chilly with me, and rather than answer questions "I put pictures up on facebook".  Thanks...In the meantime the meds didn't wear off until 4, I still feel wiped out and am going to start getting ready for bed now (7 pm), and we've added tremendous guilt.

I think she does 2 things.  One is she often defines me by my illness. My pain at not getting along with my sister as I'd like to?  The problem has something to do with what is wrong with me.  She's never going to say that, but I know it is what she thinks.  The second is that she thinks I use it as an excuse to avoid things, like lots of people including my sister-in-law.  Again, NOT TRUE.  I go to what I can, and I use meds to get me through them.  But when I say I can't it is because I can't.  And I am tired to death of her mindset that I'm lying or manipulating the truth.  I cannot remember EVER using bipolar to get out of something, because I promised myself years ago that I would do whatever I could realistically do as long as I could do it.  I knew I'd miss out on things and I don't want to miss out on more than I had to.  Plus I miss enough because of it, I don't want it to be the go-to reason.  And I really resent the feeling I do use it, because of how hard I try NOT to do that.

I can't believe she doesn't think I wanted to try today.  I have had her birthday gifts waiting for months.  And I wanted to give them to her.  And despite what she thinks, while my family is hard for me to tolerate for long, I don't purposefully avoid them.  I do, however, do what I've been taught to do and monitor what I can handle.  Today it was clear driving was not going to happen.  So that was it. Plus i desperately needed more sleep.

I can't believe how frsutrated I am right now.  And so very tired..........


Anonymous said...

Just Me,

Did you drive to your mom's last night and make supper for everyone? ["So I went down, made supper, visited after people came for a while"]. Gosh, that seems like a lot right there! Were you able to spend time with your little neice?

$25 on salmon - oh brother.

It might be weird of me to say, but I feel kind of proud for you. You did what was best for YOU. You followed doctor's orders. You did what you needed to do to make it through another work week. And you did make an effort to visit with family even though it is a difficult thing to do.

I wish you'd be proud of you too!


Just Me said...

Thank you B. You've helped me see some of what I had been missing that was behind my recent feelings, and I really appreciate that. It's time to start talking about it to Dr. Mind, and I really appreciate your honesty in what you've seen with what I've written about this situation over time. It's only been a little bit since I was able to say "I'm really angry at my mother", and now it is time to deal with why.

When confronted later she did not think the cost of the food comment versus my inability to walk in a straight line, much less drive, mattered. FAbulous.