Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, September 06, 2010

More about my mother/Update on me

This really just came up with Dr. Mind last week.  So it's still new to me and I'm not sure where we'll go with it.  But among all the other things that come up if I decide to go near the "my mother hurts me" door, which I haven't done much but seem to be a lot lately as I learn gradually to use the word "angry".  I think that there are a lot of times that I still believe her not-realistic versions of things, and I have to start focusing on the fact that she is not only infallible, she also has an extreme capacity for denial.  And with that capacity she can sound very confident and matter-of-fact and just right, when really she is very, very wrong.  But I don't always look for what is wrong in her statements, even if they hurt me.  I think(?) I wrote on here last week about finally figuring out that her years of promising that my sister and I will be good friends someday was not true.  Dr. Mind was somewhat horrified by this, pointing out that first, she can't know this, second, she's making promises about other people, not herself, and third it is unfair to both my sister and I to make this almost a directive.  For so long part of why I've tried so hard with my sister is that I thought I was supposed to,and that if I tried hard enough I could fix everything.  Not true, as it turns out.  In reality I can't do more than I do.  I initiate emails.  I initiate contact.  I make a big effort to be involved with my niece.  And my sister does little back.  In fact I got the baby something that apparently has kept her content for hours at a time, letting my sister actually work without trying to nurse at the same time, and my sister has told my mom all about how much she loves it but I've not heard a thing., except from my mother.  But I'm only 50% of the relationship and if she doesn't try it doesn't matter what I hope for.  Which is a concept I find painful as sometimes it seems like life is all about not getting what I hope for, but that's another topic for when I'm not mid-mixed episode which does give everything a negative slant.

I had labs today, and hopefully will find out I need more thyroid medication.  That would actually not be surprising since I've got several symptoms of out-of-whack thyroid, and since it's easy to fix it would be a very good thing. I also had a lithium level and a test to be sure my body, mainly my kidneys are handling things with the extra lithium.

I also heard from Dr. Brain and I have possibly been thrusting myself into klonopin withdrawl.  Apparently on the dose I'm taking you can't just take what you wish without risking withdrawl symtpoms.  Gotta say, I'm proud of myself for that one.

Anyway, it's so good she's being very involved as this feels like the edge is near and I cannot go over it.  Not now.  Hopefully I'll respond to this much medication and all will improve this week.  We'll see.


Michal Ann said...

Thanks for explaining your insights about your mom. I also really appreciate what you've said about dialogue with your readers. I think you're managing very well with all of this; there's progress and you have a LOT of "balls in the air."

Chuck Swidoll: "When God is involved, anything can happen. God has a beautiful way of bringing good vibrations out of broken cords."

Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear that Dr. Brain has you firmly under her wing, and I also hope you improve this week. Stay away from that edge, ok?

You know, even under the best of circumstances, family can be "tricky" - my sister has a saying; "just because we're related doesn't mean I like them". Sometimes you can try and try and try and get a lackluster response, whether friends or family, and you come to find out it has nothing to do with you!

When I was going through my divorce, there was a fellow teacher who kept trying to befriend me. I kept avoiding her. I kept shrugging her off. I simply had NO emotional energy for anything or anyone else. Finally, after about six months, she finally said, “What is WRONG with me that you don’t want to be my friend?” Obviously, there was nothing wrong with her. It was all about me and what I couldn’t handle at that given time. I had no idea she was so upset and she had no idea I was not in a good emotional place. We laugh about it now, but I really hurt her with no intention of doing so.

I wonder if this is something to [maybe] consider when you think about your sister? Maybe?

I look forward to reading about your improvements this week!