This really just came up with Dr. Mind last week. So it's still new to me and I'm not sure where we'll go with it. But among all the other things that come up if I decide to go near the "my mother hurts me" door, which I haven't done much but seem to be a lot lately as I learn gradually to use the word "angry". I think that there are a lot of times that I still believe her not-realistic versions of things, and I have to start focusing on the fact that she is not only infallible, she also has an extreme capacity for denial. And with that capacity she can sound very confident and matter-of-fact and just right, when really she is very, very wrong. But I don't always look for what is wrong in her statements, even if they hurt me. I think(?) I wrote on here last week about finally figuring out that her years of promising that my sister and I will be good friends someday was not true. Dr. Mind was somewhat horrified by this, pointing out that first, she can't know this, second, she's making promises about other people, not herself, and third it is unfair to both my sister and I to make this almost a directive. For so long part of why I've tried so hard with my sister is that I thought I was supposed to,and that if I tried hard enough I could fix everything. Not true, as it turns out. In reality I can't do more than I do. I initiate emails. I initiate contact. I make a big effort to be involved with my niece. And my sister does little back. In fact I got the baby something that apparently has kept her content for hours at a time, letting my sister actually work without trying to nurse at the same time, and my sister has told my mom all about how much she loves it but I've not heard a thing., except from my mother. But I'm only 50% of the relationship and if she doesn't try it doesn't matter what I hope for. Which is a concept I find painful as sometimes it seems like life is all about not getting what I hope for, but that's another topic for when I'm not mid-mixed episode which does give everything a negative slant.
I had labs today, and hopefully will find out I need more thyroid medication. That would actually not be surprising since I've got several symptoms of out-of-whack thyroid, and since it's easy to fix it would be a very good thing. I also had a lithium level and a test to be sure my body, mainly my kidneys are handling things with the extra lithium.
I also heard from Dr. Brain and I have possibly been thrusting myself into klonopin withdrawl. Apparently on the dose I'm taking you can't just take what you wish without risking withdrawl symtpoms. Gotta say, I'm proud of myself for that one.
Anyway, it's so good she's being very involved as this feels like the edge is near and I cannot go over it. Not now. Hopefully I'll respond to this much medication and all will improve this week. We'll see.