I know there are 500 million reasons at least that I should be and am grateful to them, and I am because they have given me a pretty nice version of life, but OH.MY.THE.STUPID.SIDE.EFFECTS.
As long time readers may recall, a major part of the decision to switch to the MAOI last year was that the dose I needed of imipramine which I was taking then caused constipation that was causing my doctor to mumble things about "colonoscopy prep" and "there's something the surgeons recommend that I can't remember but it works intensely and if nothing else works I'll find out for you" because the constipation was so severe and NOTHING was helping.
After switching to the MAOI I gradually was able to cut back my stool softener use until I needed nothing, which was impressive because I'd taken so much for so long that it seemed unlikely my body would work without. And then things snuck up on me. Summer came and because of my diabetes insididus it does not matter how much water I drink in the summer it doesn't prevent dehydration. I sort of forgot that. I literally lug a 30# cooler with me each and every day and 98% of it is water (and ice). I drink several gallons during the day and it's not enough to keep things running smoothly. And then the stress of Anne's birth and being sick compounded things and suddenly I realized that I haven't gained 7 lbs of fat lately, as evidenced by my belly which suddenly looks 5 months pregnant. So I started treating it this week. And nothing happened. So this weekend has involved some serious treatment and nothing has helped. I've had so much fiber in the last 24 hours (along with several types of medications) that my belly should be classified as a minor explosive. And still nothing. Interestingly I read today that severe constipation can cause UTIs by causing urinary retention, which I have. I'm now going to have to pay attention to if the retenion is always there or just when things aren't working. This though is about as bad as it has ever been. I'm actually praying for a restless night......anything can be endured to get this to stop.
If nothing else it has to stop or none of my pants are going to fit Monday........:)
Ouch.........
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Genetics are genetics and some very cute little feet.
I've lived with fear for months that my sister's genetic disposition to mood disorders might affect her after the birth of my niece. I've felt fear that my niece might wind up with the bad genes, although she is less likely than a child of mine would be. I don't think in our family there is a "safe" from these genes.
As I've discussed from time to time I have a birthmark that is pretty significant in size and coloration. I also have what I suspect is a birthmark on my kidney, although that is not medically confirmed; we only know I have a vascularized area growing on my kidney and that it bleeds. Although the kind I have is not allegedly genetic, my sister also has one which is much less significant and generally only somewhat visible and easily covered by basic foundation (it's basically a typical newborn stork bite that never faded, making it a real birthmark).
Well, I had wondered about that from time to time. I figured that the baby had a higher risk of birthmarks, and she does have a large stork bite that I'm suspicious will turn out to be partially portwine stain, just like her mother and I. I forgot to think about all the other things babies can have. And there is a chance that she has something which is not terrible, but which may impact her life in a way you don't want to think of for a 10 day old. The doctor wants scans, but it's not urgent or anything, just nerve-wracking to think of.
Regardless, please pray for these itty bitty feet and all that is attached to them. (that is my "normal" hand and the side of the birthmarked one that has splotches to small to show in this blurry picture).
Regardless, please pray for these itty bitty feet and all that is attached to them. (Picture to come down soon, so enjoy while it lasts).
As I've discussed from time to time I have a birthmark that is pretty significant in size and coloration. I also have what I suspect is a birthmark on my kidney, although that is not medically confirmed; we only know I have a vascularized area growing on my kidney and that it bleeds. Although the kind I have is not allegedly genetic, my sister also has one which is much less significant and generally only somewhat visible and easily covered by basic foundation (it's basically a typical newborn stork bite that never faded, making it a real birthmark).
Well, I had wondered about that from time to time. I figured that the baby had a higher risk of birthmarks, and she does have a large stork bite that I'm suspicious will turn out to be partially portwine stain, just like her mother and I. I forgot to think about all the other things babies can have. And there is a chance that she has something which is not terrible, but which may impact her life in a way you don't want to think of for a 10 day old. The doctor wants scans, but it's not urgent or anything, just nerve-wracking to think of.
Regardless, please pray for these itty bitty feet and all that is attached to them. (that is my "normal" hand and the side of the birthmarked one that has splotches to small to show in this blurry picture).
Friday, July 30, 2010
What a day
My UTI is back. Did I mention that? So apparently it was a UTI and I'm now on another antibiotic. So that made the day more challenging, especially because I'm so tired and overslept. I was awake for 2 hours but fell asleep inadvertently. oopsie....
I had a terrible time reaching patients and then had a few challenges. Then I finished up 110 miles from home. That was a long, long drive. And now I'm just very, very tired. But that's ok because it is finally weekend and hopefully this weekend will be a little more restful than last weekend's coma.
More when I'm coherent...
I had a terrible time reaching patients and then had a few challenges. Then I finished up 110 miles from home. That was a long, long drive. And now I'm just very, very tired. But that's ok because it is finally weekend and hopefully this weekend will be a little more restful than last weekend's coma.
More when I'm coherent...
So Frustrated
So a few weeks ago payroll didn't my timesheet and rather than call me they just didn't pay me. I had fax confirmation that they received it, so I got paid that day.
Last week I used PTO while sick. My supervisor had told me to write some information on the form so they'd pay it. I got my check. They didn't pay me, so now I have a good bit less money than anticipated to live on for a week.
They also lost my timesheet again last week and I have to send it all over again, although thankfully this was caught before payday.
What is up with that?
Last week I used PTO while sick. My supervisor had told me to write some information on the form so they'd pay it. I got my check. They didn't pay me, so now I have a good bit less money than anticipated to live on for a week.
They also lost my timesheet again last week and I have to send it all over again, although thankfully this was caught before payday.
What is up with that?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Not fun
I got a call yesterday from my doctor's office from someone who wanted me to explain what I meant in my note to him about not understanding what is going on and what it means when I think I feel really sick and nothing shows up. It was very awkward, esp. as I had no clue who I was talking to and she wound up pretty much talking down to me, meaning she probably was a nurse I've never met who read the thing, didn't talk to Dr Body who would have gotten the main idea, and called me instead. She never did answer my real question, which is what thermometer is right if 3 of them give widely variant readings? How do you know you have a fever?
Then I got a nice note from him that it was ok, sometimes they don't find the cause of illness, that it just adds up to virus, don't worry.
I do think though that I've left him out of the loop that he needs to be in, the one where I've discovered that I don't react normally to pain and I find myself lying during exams if I think that saying something does hurt would sound silly or fake. I'm trying to get better about this but I did it again the last time. So I made an appointment, asked for a double block of time if possible and am going to talk to him and explain this. Because I can really get myself into a bad spot doing this, and right now it's possibly worse that ever before because I'm anxious about the process.
Between just life in general sometimes requires you go to a doctor, state symptoms, accurately respond to questions, and accurately go through an exam. In thpe last few years my inability to do this well has resulted in almost needing IV antibiotics for a near-septic abscessed tooth, the scary-almost-got-too-confused-to-make-it-to-the-hospital with significant dehydration and way too much MAOI in my system, and my ankle being more injured than I admitted because I didn't describe the pain well.
I've improved, for a long time it took a friend practically shaking me to get me to go to a doctor or go near one and now I'm do. But I still need to be more honest with him. I trust him, I've followed him everywhere, I don't know why I don't just give up and trust him fully, but that is a work in progress.
Then I got a nice note from him that it was ok, sometimes they don't find the cause of illness, that it just adds up to virus, don't worry.
I do think though that I've left him out of the loop that he needs to be in, the one where I've discovered that I don't react normally to pain and I find myself lying during exams if I think that saying something does hurt would sound silly or fake. I'm trying to get better about this but I did it again the last time. So I made an appointment, asked for a double block of time if possible and am going to talk to him and explain this. Because I can really get myself into a bad spot doing this, and right now it's possibly worse that ever before because I'm anxious about the process.
Between just life in general sometimes requires you go to a doctor, state symptoms, accurately respond to questions, and accurately go through an exam. In thpe last few years my inability to do this well has resulted in almost needing IV antibiotics for a near-septic abscessed tooth, the scary-almost-got-too-confused-to-make-it-to-the-hospital with significant dehydration and way too much MAOI in my system, and my ankle being more injured than I admitted because I didn't describe the pain well.
I've improved, for a long time it took a friend practically shaking me to get me to go to a doctor or go near one and now I'm do. But I still need to be more honest with him. I trust him, I've followed him everywhere, I don't know why I don't just give up and trust him fully, but that is a work in progress.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I hate to do this but....
I can't STAND the Chinese character spam. And I'm not succeeding in dealing with it otherwise, so I'm going to moderate comments for a bit and see if I can't get it to go away. Please do not take this personally unless you are the spammer, and if you are I think I hate you.
This is temporary and will be a pain because I don't get home to moderate until evening. Yet it's important to my sanity that I get rid of the annoying people.
And since I woke up tired and in a bad mood (my cat insisted on eating at 2 AM). I got a drink, fell asleep while drinking and woke when I spilled about 4 oz. of gatorade all over my bed and myself. Not fun.
And speaking of that I need to go wash sheets.....
This is temporary and will be a pain because I don't get home to moderate until evening. Yet it's important to my sanity that I get rid of the annoying people.
And since I woke up tired and in a bad mood (my cat insisted on eating at 2 AM). I got a drink, fell asleep while drinking and woke when I spilled about 4 oz. of gatorade all over my bed and myself. Not fun.
And speaking of that I need to go wash sheets.....
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Spoiled
I've got 2 problems going here, and one is that I am spoiled and the other is that I'm overly sensitive about some things, and those 2 things have come together to STRESS.ME.OUT.
I've mentioned before that Dr. Body has always been very supportive of me. He has always made time for me and responded to whatever I need. He changed practices and things seemed fine. The last 2 times I've been in there (the last few weeks due to a work physical then whatever was wrong with me last week) he's been pressured for time, and this last time left me confused. He talked about pain meds, but instead of looking to see what I can take either he over-estimated my ability to remember (essentially nothing; I need to talk to Dr. Brain) or forgot, and didn't give me anything. He forgot the zofran he said he'd prescribe and I had to ask at the check-out for it. He didn't even talk to me himself about my test results. Nobody has gotten back to me about my urine, so I assume it didn't grow anything, but it would be nice to know that.
And then I sent in a note through the computer system that frankly was hard to write and which is stressing me out more. I'm very confused because I came out of that feeling like I was somehow making things up (read: I'm hearing my father talk to me) or my other paranoia that I was drug-seeking (not hardly. Hate pain meds. They hate me. He knows that, I've just been treated that way too many times). But I went in having sat here in this bed watching my fever go up incrementally to the highest I've ever seen on my thermometer. By the time I reached his office, freezing cold in 94 degree heat, without even being able to use airconditioning and wearing a sweatshirt, I did not register a fever at all. I then bought 2 more thermometers on my way home and they get different readings as far apart a 1.5 degrees. And while i haven't taken my temp yet while feeling better, I know I usually read at 96 something. So 99.8, 99.9 is a definite fever, yet in his office nothing is wrong, and then I'm having horrid pain but nothing shows on the CT? Makes no sense. (Except that is does if I had a kidney stone that I passed before he saw me or shortly afterward which hurt on teh way down but not on the way out. I've had other suspected stones). Or it could have been viral. I did have something; my white count showed infection. But I left there feeling I had screwed up. I emailed him asking for clarification of how to know when I am sick and when I'm not, because I am afraid that this is one of those things that is going to go down as "eh, bipolar" and if that's the case I want to know when to trust myself and when not to.
I'm really upset about this. But has he answered? Nope. To be fair, did I know I cried for a couple hours trying to write the note? Nope. But Dr. Body of the past would answer. Period. And does he even really know that part of why my description didn't make sense was that I am not good and trying to learn how to describe pain and I wasn't as clear as I wanted to be. Because doing that while in pain is harder.
So I'm anxious and annoyed. it's lovely.
I've mentioned before that Dr. Body has always been very supportive of me. He has always made time for me and responded to whatever I need. He changed practices and things seemed fine. The last 2 times I've been in there (the last few weeks due to a work physical then whatever was wrong with me last week) he's been pressured for time, and this last time left me confused. He talked about pain meds, but instead of looking to see what I can take either he over-estimated my ability to remember (essentially nothing; I need to talk to Dr. Brain) or forgot, and didn't give me anything. He forgot the zofran he said he'd prescribe and I had to ask at the check-out for it. He didn't even talk to me himself about my test results. Nobody has gotten back to me about my urine, so I assume it didn't grow anything, but it would be nice to know that.
And then I sent in a note through the computer system that frankly was hard to write and which is stressing me out more. I'm very confused because I came out of that feeling like I was somehow making things up (read: I'm hearing my father talk to me) or my other paranoia that I was drug-seeking (not hardly. Hate pain meds. They hate me. He knows that, I've just been treated that way too many times). But I went in having sat here in this bed watching my fever go up incrementally to the highest I've ever seen on my thermometer. By the time I reached his office, freezing cold in 94 degree heat, without even being able to use airconditioning and wearing a sweatshirt, I did not register a fever at all. I then bought 2 more thermometers on my way home and they get different readings as far apart a 1.5 degrees. And while i haven't taken my temp yet while feeling better, I know I usually read at 96 something. So 99.8, 99.9 is a definite fever, yet in his office nothing is wrong, and then I'm having horrid pain but nothing shows on the CT? Makes no sense. (Except that is does if I had a kidney stone that I passed before he saw me or shortly afterward which hurt on teh way down but not on the way out. I've had other suspected stones). Or it could have been viral. I did have something; my white count showed infection. But I left there feeling I had screwed up. I emailed him asking for clarification of how to know when I am sick and when I'm not, because I am afraid that this is one of those things that is going to go down as "eh, bipolar" and if that's the case I want to know when to trust myself and when not to.
I'm really upset about this. But has he answered? Nope. To be fair, did I know I cried for a couple hours trying to write the note? Nope. But Dr. Body of the past would answer. Period. And does he even really know that part of why my description didn't make sense was that I am not good and trying to learn how to describe pain and I wasn't as clear as I wanted to be. Because doing that while in pain is harder.
So I'm anxious and annoyed. it's lovely.
Monday, July 26, 2010
No expectations, no expectations.........
So my sister was surprised when I said something about not coming to see her until the baby is a bit older. Basically she said "just come, I'll tell you if it's a bad day". So, next week while Dr. Mind is on vacation I'm going to go hold my niece. Yay.
And you cannot know how good it was to type that sentence. I am really an Aunt........That's not sunk in yet. Getting sick so soon after didn't do much for the reality check.
Wii fit is kicking my butt. That's a good thing. I wish I had more time to mess around; I will but haven't been able to get into a routine because of babies and illness and not being home and whatnot. I also think it was a really good idea because I think it really is working on my balance. it is always criticizing me for not distributing my weight across my feet equally, but it also does work and give enough visual feedback that I'm gaining more of a sense of control of that ankle than I have had since I hurt it. Of course exercising today also used some of my remaining energy after being so worn out from being sick, which probably made it harder, but, well, let's just say one of my often-repeated at work expressions is "you know the best cure for constipation is therapy". And let's also say that I may have ignored the signs I needed to be on my meds for that and then it got worse while taking Zoftran which slows down your belly, and so I am doing everything I can think of to aid in digestion.
Now I supposed I should try to sleep. I got distracted editing pictures of MY NIECE and time got away from me.
And you cannot know how good it was to type that sentence. I am really an Aunt........That's not sunk in yet. Getting sick so soon after didn't do much for the reality check.
Wii fit is kicking my butt. That's a good thing. I wish I had more time to mess around; I will but haven't been able to get into a routine because of babies and illness and not being home and whatnot. I also think it was a really good idea because I think it really is working on my balance. it is always criticizing me for not distributing my weight across my feet equally, but it also does work and give enough visual feedback that I'm gaining more of a sense of control of that ankle than I have had since I hurt it. Of course exercising today also used some of my remaining energy after being so worn out from being sick, which probably made it harder, but, well, let's just say one of my often-repeated at work expressions is "you know the best cure for constipation is therapy". And let's also say that I may have ignored the signs I needed to be on my meds for that and then it got worse while taking Zoftran which slows down your belly, and so I am doing everything I can think of to aid in digestion.
Now I supposed I should try to sleep. I got distracted editing pictures of MY NIECE and time got away from me.
The land of nod
I pretty much slept from Friday evening straight until about 5 yesterday, then was back to sleep about 10:30. And I am STILL tired. And my belly still hurts some, although much less than 2 days ago. Unfortunately the major way to ensure comfort is to lay on my side in exactly the right position. Oh well, I guess it will make the day go faster to have something to focus on? Something like that?
My urine culture should, I think, be back today. And that will let us know if something was still brewing in there after antibiotics.
It appears I've taken 2 antibiotic pills when I shouldn't have, or the pharmacy didn't give me 2 pills. My guess is I took them while asleep and forgot. Regardless I'm going to be done a day early somehow. This could explain the nausea. Except not, because I was nauseated before I touched the Cipro.
Better get ready for work. I'm actually afraid of what is awaiting me there.......
My urine culture should, I think, be back today. And that will let us know if something was still brewing in there after antibiotics.
It appears I've taken 2 antibiotic pills when I shouldn't have, or the pharmacy didn't give me 2 pills. My guess is I took them while asleep and forgot. Regardless I'm going to be done a day early somehow. This could explain the nausea. Except not, because I was nauseated before I touched the Cipro.
Better get ready for work. I'm actually afraid of what is awaiting me there.......
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I have realized......
Dr. Mind told me a few weeks ago that I have developed a rather fun habit of when I am struggling with something after a time I'll come in and tell I'm "I've realized......" and from the moment I say that I am really working my way through whatever it is. I wish he had a clue how often those statements come from this blog.
Anyway, the last 24 hours have let me realize that I still have issues with my whole hospitalization. A desire to start a project led to looking at the link for the psychiatric program within which I was hospitalized, including looking at pictures of the unit (and oh how they have chose angles to make that unit look bigger than it is). Anyway, I eventually slept for about 24 hours. I feel better somewhat, although still am definitely ill, and am still hurting if not in exactly the right position, but mainly I'm just incredibly tired. But my dreams, after thinking just briefly about that time, were so focused on it. And scarily so. I wrote extensively back then about my feeling that I was isolated by being the only person with bipolar and thus treated as if I were there for depression. Well, I must have really felt that, because in this dream I was still a kid, and I was told I was going to stay a week. After that week was up I was kept there for another week and then was to be transitioned to this 3 week program (probably some relationship to their intensive outpatient program that they never recommended for me) but somehow managed to get Dr. Brain to intervene and when I woke the last time (this dream went on for hours as I'd awaken, drink something, sleep more) I was trying to figure out how to make up my math classes. I don't know the meaning beyond I have issues here, but wow. I think a lot of this was triggered by hours and hours and hours in the hospital. Having said that it was several hours less than I thought as I was given incorrect instructions regarding my CT scan and out of boredom showed up early and was taken right back, then I waited right there for the results to be in and a call to go through so I could talk to my dr's office.
I also have realized (ahem) in the last 24 hours how very angry I am at my mother. I've expressed plenty of anger at her over the years, but I hadn't realized exactly how she often treats my illness until yesterday and as sick as I was it made me really mad. Which is what I'm supposed to be starting to talk about as apparently Dr. Mind is not unaware of this, but well, we've got a lot to discuss now.
I think I'm getting sleepy again (I've been awake 2 whole hours), so I'm going to take some meds and see if I can get back to sleep.
Oh, last big news: I have to replace my car fairly soon. It has a lot of miles, sounds like it's getting a transmission problem, and is not appropriate for the rural work I do, particulary once winter comes. The parking lot of my agency looks like an SUV convention and you can tell who has not been there through winter by the few of us that still drive compact cars. Before I can afford to do this I need to pay off 1 credit card and 2 (dwindling to small amounts) student loans, both for the additional money and the improved credit score. Well, as of today I have 100% paid off my credit card. I wish I were healthier so I'd be more excited. If I can manage to make the same size payments I've been making I'll have the first loan paid off in 4-6 weeks I think. It's so exciting, if only I were in a position to care.
Anyway, the last 24 hours have let me realize that I still have issues with my whole hospitalization. A desire to start a project led to looking at the link for the psychiatric program within which I was hospitalized, including looking at pictures of the unit (and oh how they have chose angles to make that unit look bigger than it is). Anyway, I eventually slept for about 24 hours. I feel better somewhat, although still am definitely ill, and am still hurting if not in exactly the right position, but mainly I'm just incredibly tired. But my dreams, after thinking just briefly about that time, were so focused on it. And scarily so. I wrote extensively back then about my feeling that I was isolated by being the only person with bipolar and thus treated as if I were there for depression. Well, I must have really felt that, because in this dream I was still a kid, and I was told I was going to stay a week. After that week was up I was kept there for another week and then was to be transitioned to this 3 week program (probably some relationship to their intensive outpatient program that they never recommended for me) but somehow managed to get Dr. Brain to intervene and when I woke the last time (this dream went on for hours as I'd awaken, drink something, sleep more) I was trying to figure out how to make up my math classes. I don't know the meaning beyond I have issues here, but wow. I think a lot of this was triggered by hours and hours and hours in the hospital. Having said that it was several hours less than I thought as I was given incorrect instructions regarding my CT scan and out of boredom showed up early and was taken right back, then I waited right there for the results to be in and a call to go through so I could talk to my dr's office.
I also have realized (ahem) in the last 24 hours how very angry I am at my mother. I've expressed plenty of anger at her over the years, but I hadn't realized exactly how she often treats my illness until yesterday and as sick as I was it made me really mad. Which is what I'm supposed to be starting to talk about as apparently Dr. Mind is not unaware of this, but well, we've got a lot to discuss now.
I think I'm getting sleepy again (I've been awake 2 whole hours), so I'm going to take some meds and see if I can get back to sleep.
Oh, last big news: I have to replace my car fairly soon. It has a lot of miles, sounds like it's getting a transmission problem, and is not appropriate for the rural work I do, particulary once winter comes. The parking lot of my agency looks like an SUV convention and you can tell who has not been there through winter by the few of us that still drive compact cars. Before I can afford to do this I need to pay off 1 credit card and 2 (dwindling to small amounts) student loans, both for the additional money and the improved credit score. Well, as of today I have 100% paid off my credit card. I wish I were healthier so I'd be more excited. If I can manage to make the same size payments I've been making I'll have the first loan paid off in 4-6 weeks I think. It's so exciting, if only I were in a position to care.
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