Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I have realized......

Dr. Mind told me a few weeks ago that I have developed a rather fun habit of when I am struggling with something after a time I'll come in and tell I'm "I've realized......" and from the moment I say that I am really working my way through whatever it is.  I wish he had a clue how often those statements come from this blog.

Anyway, the last 24 hours have let me realize that I still have issues with my whole hospitalization.  A desire to start a project led to looking at the link for the psychiatric program within which I was hospitalized, including looking at pictures of the unit (and oh how they have chose angles to make that unit look bigger than it is).  Anyway, I eventually slept for about 24 hours.  I feel better somewhat, although still am definitely ill, and am still hurting if not in exactly the right position, but mainly I'm just incredibly tired.  But my dreams, after thinking just briefly about that time, were so focused on it.  And scarily so.  I wrote extensively back then about my feeling that I was isolated by being the only person with bipolar and thus treated as if I were there for depression.  Well, I must have really felt that, because in this dream I was still a kid, and I was told I was going to stay  a week.  After that week was up I was kept there for another week and then was to be transitioned to this 3 week program (probably some relationship to their intensive outpatient program that they never recommended for me) but somehow managed to get Dr. Brain to intervene and when I woke the last time (this dream went on for hours as I'd awaken, drink something, sleep more) I was trying to figure out how to make up my math classes.  I don't know the meaning beyond I have issues here, but wow.  I think a lot of this was triggered by hours and hours and hours in the hospital.  Having said that it was several hours less than I thought as I was given incorrect instructions regarding my CT scan and out of boredom showed up early and was taken right back, then I waited right there for the results to be in and a call to go through so I could talk to my dr's office.

I also have realized (ahem)  in the last 24 hours how very angry I am at my mother.  I've expressed plenty of anger at her over the years, but I hadn't realized exactly how she often treats my illness until yesterday and as sick as I was it made me really mad.  Which is what I'm supposed to be starting to talk about as apparently Dr. Mind is not unaware of this, but well, we've got a lot to discuss now.

I think I'm getting sleepy again (I've been awake 2 whole hours), so I'm going to take some meds and see if I can get back to sleep.

Oh, last big news:  I have to replace my car fairly soon.  It has a lot of miles, sounds like it's getting a transmission problem, and is not appropriate for the rural work I do, particulary once winter comes.  The parking lot of my agency looks like an SUV convention and you can tell who has not been there through winter by the few of us that still drive compact cars.  Before I can afford to do this I need to pay off 1 credit card and 2 (dwindling to small amounts) student loans, both for the additional money and the improved credit score.  Well, as of today I have 100% paid off my credit card.  I wish I were healthier so I'd be more excited.  If I can manage to make the same size payments I've been making I'll have the first loan paid off in 4-6 weeks I think.  It's so exciting, if only I were in a position to care.

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Well, Jen, I've realized (ahem) that you're doing a wonderful of handling a lot of stuff in body, soul, mind and spirit. It's interesting how your dreams have opened a window.

This "sleepy" time is exactly what you need to be doing this Sabbath time.

May you continue the healing.

AND I've realized I'm very proud of you and impressed that you're managing your finances so well! Think of the blessing you're going to be to clients who will want you to help them during the winter. I believe you will bring peace and joy when you arrive safely in your new car.

I'll share a devotional that arrived today. I'm reminded that joy is a fruit of the Spirit and it's much deeper than happiness. I certainly can never make myself joyful any more than I can manufacture God's peace that PASSES understanding. I could feel guilty that I don't have more peace and joy but I have "smeared glass" as mentioned. I must pray for you and me.

"God, in your mercy and grace, please lavish the gifts of peace and joy upon us. Cover us with the Comforter who is the Holy Spirit sent to empower and teach us. Strengthen and heal us deep inside that we might be restored to full function for Your service and for Your pleasure. We need you and Your great love and a new measure of the gift of faith. Thank you Lord Jesus. May our hearts praise You along with baby "Anne" as You give us the gift of faith, the faith of infants and children without which it is impossible to please you. Amen."

Joy in Me

Joy teaches. Joy cleans the smeared glass of your consciousness, and you see clearly.

You see Me clearly, and see more clearly the needs of those around you.


contact us: servant@twolisteners.com

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." Jude 1:24-25