In my last post I wrote:I don't know why this is hard. But it is. Needing this is a big adjustment, and I think knowing that I could choose not to use it if I chose to do surgery is also part of it. I don't want surgery now. But I also want nobody to see what I have done.
Michal asked why I said that. I started to say "because my ankle injury is because I did something stupid". And then I realized there's more to it. So here is that answer:
What I have done just means that I feel guilty (and come to think of it angry with myself) because I did something stupid and that's what damaged the ankle. Except writing that made me realize that's not so true and that the damage was done years ago and this would have happened sometime and I really should just be thankful that God chose to let me fall in a parking lot instead of when I was holding onto a frail elderly person. Guilt over injuring myself goes back to my childhood-don't complain, you're the one who is clumsy, etc. Basically the fracture that started this (a type of fracture where I turned my ankle so hard bone snapped loose from the pressure on the ligaments) I was told was my fault. And so knowing I did something dumb (jumping up and starting to run because I was late when I know I get dizzy and must stand still) makes it feel my fault. But it's not my fault. It's probably a miracle this took this long to happen. I've been so angry with myself, and the truth is that I need to put that anger where it belongs: on my father for not letting me acknowledge a broken bone. Because that one act screwed up so many things and is likely to cost me a minimum of 4 surgeries over my life. I've had 2 on my knee and will need a replacement eventually. And someday the ankle surgery will happen. And I need to work very hard on this not being mad at me, because when my ankle surgery will happen is going to be when I do something I "shouldn't" and I sprain it again. It will inevitably happen and I need to start working right now on believing that that sprain is inevitable and I cannot go through my whole life protecting the ankle without compromising my enjoyment of life, and therefore I need to face that I'm angry this happened and that it's not anger at me, and it's not anger at God because I didn't need more bad things, it's anger because someone hurt me. Badly.
I see a lot of the use of the word anger in my future.......I've been angry a lot today and for good reason. That's the other thing, the thing I need to remember to tell Dr. Mind: along with showing anger resulting in abuse as a child, I am terrified when I am angry because of my undiagnosed/newly diagnosed years of being a furious, wrathful person with a tendency to fly into rages. It terrified me because I knew it wasn't me, but it was me and I really managed to hurt people I love sometimes. So just like crying, I have to learn how. He said yesterday when I saw I was angry that I've never really said that about my life before. Well, I guess I'm really good at hiding things then because I'm one very angry woman..........
more later about today. Both really awesome and really tough day.