I realized that while I have been spending months building up this intense set of reasons I am sad and angry and yes, jealous, part of the reason it is so hard for me to talk about this on the blog or in person with people is that I feel like I shouldn't complain. If I'd run into this blog 5 years ago I wouldn't have understood all the work and the sheer miracle of this person's success and I would have hated the blog and put it down to self-centered, whiny, and not willing to see how good the author had it.
Those feelings keep me from talking about some of my more intense, yet admittedly ugly feelings. I feel like I have to qualify everything (for me, not for you) and that doesn't help me feel any better.And I can't start every blog or conversation with the same thing, so here goes, once, to cover whatever comes up in the next weeks:
I realize that my life is a miracle. I realize what people who are as severely affected as I am usually live with. I've been there in some circumstances. I know that I have tons of reasons to be happy and content with my life. I know that some of my feelings are selfish or undeserved by those bearing the brunt. I know that the fact that I can feel good on meds, that we have meds that work well for me, and that I have an awesome medical teams is very unusual given my particular disease process.
I know these things and I am thankful for them and others every day. However, I also need to reserve the right to feel bad sometimes and when I do, that is ok. I know that I need to be thankful for small things, and I am. However, sometimes the loss is overpowering.
"Sometimes the loss is overpowering". That's about where we stand now, and I've put off dealing with that loss for so long that I'm fighting hard to stay where I am. And that will be why posts from me for a while may sound kind of bitter. I am not bitter. I am hurting. Huge difference, even though they can look alike.