Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

This is my blanket qualifier

Today again was hard. I was glad for permission to take more klonopin for panic attacks as I needed it. I did get to see Dr. Mind for an extra visit and that helped. I cannot believe the comfort level I have with him now, and I need it right now.

I realized that while I have been spending months building up this intense set of reasons I am sad and angry and yes, jealous, part of the reason it is so hard for me to talk about this on the blog or in person with people is that I feel like I shouldn't complain. If I'd run into this blog 5 years ago I wouldn't have understood all the work and the sheer miracle of this person's success and I would have hated the blog and put it down to self-centered, whiny, and not willing to see how good the author had it.

Those feelings keep me from talking about some of my more intense, yet admittedly ugly feelings. I feel like I have to qualify everything (for me, not for you) and that doesn't help me feel any better.And I can't start every blog or conversation with the same thing, so here goes, once, to cover whatever comes up in the next weeks:

I realize that my life is a miracle. I realize what people who are as severely affected as I am usually live with. I've been there in some circumstances. I know that I have tons of reasons to be happy and content with my life. I know that some of my feelings are selfish or undeserved by those bearing the brunt. I know that the fact that I can feel good on meds, that we have meds that work well for me, and that I have an awesome medical teams is very unusual given my particular disease process.

I know these things and I am thankful for them and others every day. However, I also need to reserve the right to feel bad sometimes and when I do, that is ok. I know that I need to be thankful for small things, and I am. However, sometimes the loss is overpowering.

"Sometimes the loss is overpowering". That's about where we stand now, and I've put off dealing with that loss for so long that I'm fighting hard to stay where I am. And that will be why posts from me for a while may sound kind of bitter. I am not bitter. I am hurting. Huge difference, even though they can look alike.

1 comment:

Michal Ann said...

Good good explanation of the hurt vs. bitterness. I'm sure everyone just wants you to feel better, "better not bitter," as the saying goes.

As we've noted many times, there is great wisdom and comfort in the verses of Phil. 4: 5-9 "fix your mind on what's true and right and just and lovely and worthy of a good report" and to pray and praise in all circumstances but it's ALMOST impossible to do in our weakness; my weakness, anyway.

Well, off to redouble my efforts and yet to "try" to rest in His strength made perfect in my weakness. I'll pray for you, too.

I'm so very glad you have extra support at this difficult time. I'm very proud of you.

((((gentle hugs))))