Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Aunt Jen

I have a brand-new, 10 1/2 hour old niece.  I've only seen one small picture of her but she is beautiful.  She is very chubby with the chubbiest cheeks you've ever imagined on a newborn.  My sitster is recovering from surgery well.  I'll be going to see her tomorrow after work.  I can't wait. All that I'm dealing with is still there and still hurts, but I see now that it is not this little person who hurts me,it's my life.  So I'm no longer afraid to see and hold and love her, but I am afraid of how I'll feel later when I have to leave and recognize that I'm still alone.  Yet I think after seeing her picture, and after the scary things we've been through with her in the last 5 days, I actually am able to separate my hurt from my love for her.  My hurt goes much deeper than the birth of a baby, and I've been wrong to blame it on that.  Her birth has been a catalyst to make me confront many painful feelings, but it has not been the cause of those feelings.  The fear I feel about bonding with her is something I need to deal with with my sister, and the rest of the feelings are about me and my losses and the grieving I'm doing for those losses (which aren't really losses as I never had them but I am so exhausted I can't think of a better word.  I crammed a LOT into today so I could be done on time tomorrow).

I also know that I really am part of the baby's family as nobody but immediate family even knows the baby has been born.  My sister didn't want to be overwhelmed and I don't know when they will tell everyone, but I have been one of the limited people allowed to visit so soon.

And now I need to try to get some paperwork to come out of my exhausted brain so I hvae a chance of finishing up in the morning.  Sooooooooooooooo tired............


Michal Ann said...

I'm so happy to hear about the safe arrival of your niece and your sister's good recovery.

Was baby girl anything near the size she was expected to be? I'm eager to hear more details BUT in time, dear Aunt Jen, in time.

Your post about the CATALYST of recent events is very deep. May the Lord fill you with over-flowing love to sweep away massive amounts of fear. God is love so I'm sure He wants that healing power for you...and all of us.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
I John 4: 18-19

I'm rejoicing with you and looking forward to more news as you're able to report from the inner circle. I was able to rejoice in one niece at birth and just now met twin girls who had to wait 18 years to make contact. There's an incredible connection no matter what pain is mixed up with our very human stories and losses.

Again, rejoicing with you at this time of birth and growth. You're already a WONDERFUL aunt!

Michal Ann said...

My word verification was "ferslay" and I'm going to read it as "fear slay." Please join me in prayers that I/we will resist the temptation of fear. Another word for my day which might help you, too, is PRAISE!

"Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment, now that you have had a taste of the Lord’s kindness."

1 Peter 2:1-3 (New Living Translation)