It's probably that time

So tomorrow my sister has the procedure to turn the baby. However, the baby is even more breech than before and is crammed into a tight ball. Because of that and some other things I'm about 99% sure that she will have a c-section tomorrow. I'm not even sure that he'll try to turn the baby. My sister is expecting to go home after the procedure to wait out the rest of the pregnancy. I do not think this is going to happen, for a number of reasons. I'm pretty sure that by this time tomorrow I'm going to be Aunt Jen. My mother thinks I'm being negative; I think I know more about anatomy than she does.

I'm working hard on putting feelings on hold and focusing on trusting that it is ok to save the really big emotions for my time with Dr. Mind. Right now I'm still pretty numb from my lithium increase (did I mention that? I'm on more lithium because Dr. Brain (and Mind) think I'm cycling. I am, I guess, but it's weird cycling. I'm now not really cycling, but my body is slowly adjusting to the lithium and the need for extra anxiety meds, so I'm just kind of disconnected and sleepy most of the time. It feels pretty good.

So the goal for the next few days is to stay calm and let myself feel numb if that's what it takes, and then when everything is over I can go see Dr. Mind and cry as much as I need to. And then soon we're going to start talking about my anger, the scariest emotion ever. (A new realization: I am also afraid of the anger because way back, before this blog existed mostly although it didn't really stop until about 2 years ago, I just to get uncontrollably angry about stupid things. I was enraged about nothing and most people in my life eventually were hurt by it. The people most victimized were my sister and a wonderful person who has stepped into the role of father/mentor/grown-up who helped me grow up. I used to get so incredibly angry at this person who has done nothing ever but give to me without expecting anything in return, and then I was so very embarrassed. I really hurt him a few times and it's a testament to his committment to me that he never gave up, even when I'm pretty sure he would have wanted to a few times, because I know of at least twice that I really hurt him and in the kind of way there is no apology. So I'm scared to just let myself go with anger, but with Dr. Mind I can do it. The worst that happens there is I'm mean to him, which isn't really likely, and even so it wouldn't be our first skirmish.

Anyway, rapidly falling asleep. More tomorrow when I have news, which won't be until late evening probably as I have a huge work day scheduled and won't have email access unless I happen to find a McDonalds with wi-fi in the middle of nowhere.