The crying game

I'm not doing very well tonight. I knew this was coming. For a very long time every time I start to try to talk to Dr Mind about something that is on the intense side, whatever that might be, I wind up with anxiety and nightmares. Today everything that I've been feeling seems to have come out in one big huge explosion. I've been crying for nearly 3 hours, although it's slowed now because I've worn myself out.

I don't even know what all came out of my mouth tonight. Many ugly feelings, the anger, the jealousy, the resentment,the sadness that soon I'm going to hold the niece or nephew that will be so loved but also a reminder of what I don't get to have. And oh and I angry about what this stupid illness has taken from me. Very, very angry. Which isn't something I've talked much about, apparently.

We also had a review of crying 101, which is how we spent about half of the first year I was seeing Dr. Mind. Pretty literally he sat and encouraged me to cry, talked me through it, made me believe it was ok, something that I had never considered before. But over time I've gone back to how I used to be and I have avoided tears for the most part. I think I've been afraid if I started to cry that I wouldn't be able to stop. And that's somewhat true, although meds are helping and now I'm sleepy.

I was actually so upset that I was going to stay up there tonight, until I realized that while I had a suitcase with scrubs and everything I needed I did not have pills. So I came home because I didn't figure that taking a double or triple dose of klonopin was the same as taking lithium and seroquel. just a guess.

I'm too tired to keep going. I suspect this will be a weekend with lots of posts as I have a lot of thinking/coping to do. And I think a lot of crying. During the midst of all this I realized that for months I've been afraid to cry because I've been afraid that it would be a repeat of the days and days I cried without any control in the hospital. It's not easy to convince me that I'm not like that now; I know I'm not but I am scared to lose control like that ever again.

More soon.