Aunt Jen

I have a brand-new, 10 1/2 hour old niece.  I've only seen one small picture of her but she is beautiful.  She is very chubby with the chubbiest cheeks you've ever imagined on a newborn.  My sitster is recovering from surgery well.  I'll be going to see her tomorrow after work.  I can't wait. All that I'm dealing with is still there and still hurts, but I see now that it is not this little person who hurts me,it's my life.  So I'm no longer afraid to see and hold and love her, but I am afraid of how I'll feel later when I have to leave and recognize that I'm still alone.  Yet I think after seeing her picture, and after the scary things we've been through with her in the last 5 days, I actually am able to separate my hurt from my love for her.  My hurt goes much deeper than the birth of a baby, and I've been wrong to blame it on that.  Her birth has been a catalyst to make me confront many painful feelings, but it has not been the cause of those feelings.  The fear I feel about bonding with her is something I need to deal with with my sister, and the rest of the feelings are about me and my losses and the grieving I'm doing for those losses (which aren't really losses as I never had them but I am so exhausted I can't think of a better word.  I crammed a LOT into today so I could be done on time tomorrow).

I also know that I really am part of the baby's family as nobody but immediate family even knows the baby has been born.  My sister didn't want to be overwhelmed and I don't know when they will tell everyone, but I have been one of the limited people allowed to visit so soon.

And now I need to try to get some paperwork to come out of my exhausted brain so I hvae a chance of finishing up in the morning.  Sooooooooooooooo tired............