Bad feelings

I keep wondering why I do not want to post.  There's not a lot day-to-day to say but there are certainly relevant things to post.  But I just don't want to.  Partly it is that I am extremely tired.  The goal Thursday was to medicate me enough to have a substantial hangover effect the next day.  That didn't happen for a day or two, but I am getting  sleep now.  It's not well timed and it's not sound, but it is sleep and that is good.

What is bad is how very hopeless I feel.  I  want my life back.  I  went off work a month ago certain that I'd have surgery and be working in a few weeks.  Even this sleep thing, we hoped I would respond quickly, get off the heavy meds, and be good.  Instead I've had to add even MORE meds.  These last months have taken so much fight out of me; I'm tired of fighting.  And being able to escape to sleep would be lovely but the only way I sleep is with all the drugs and that just means I am sedated and blagh all the time.

So I haven't been writing because I don't want to admit that I feel miserable, that I am afraid of sympathy because it just makes me more aware that I'm not able to do the most basic things.I also don't want to type because I don't want to think about the hopelessness I'm feeling and that regardless of knowing why it feels like this these are not feelings I am comfortable with.

I was excited last week when I realized that for the first time in 10.5 months I am physically stable.  I did not expect during all these months of waiting for surgery that the net result of that would be heavy psychiatric symptoms.

I'm just tired, so tired I don't want to talk about it.  I have no idea how much of this fatigue is from everything my body has been through, including the insomnia and now the heavily medicated sleep.

I do see Dr. Mind tomorrow and have frequently been in touch with Dr. Brain.  I'm hoping to get to see Dr. Brain maybe next week or week after to get some kind of game plan in place.  I want to be back to work.   That's at the heart of this:  I want my life back and life is saying no, that's not the way we're proceeding this time. I'm tired of the body not cooperating.

And I am so tired.  So very, very tired.

(Lest this post seem worrisome, I am ok.  I am not giving up.  I'm just struggling and probably feeling sorry for myself.  Some is fatigue, some is anxiety, some is so many chemical changes, etc.  I'll be fine.  But I am facing more time off work than  I wanted due to "post-surgical complications" and given how hard we worked to avoid those it's ironic I found the one thing we couldn't control.  But really and truly, I'll be fine.  Sometime I'll get some non-chemical sleep and that will make a huge difference. Dr. Brain says some of my panic attack the other day and other reactions may simply be too much Seroquel; I can't back it down though until my new bottle comes because I currently can only go from 900 mg to 600 mg and that's too big of a drop.)

Anyway, that's the reason for the silence.  I just don't know what to say.