That's one way to do this

I'm struggling right now because I am not sleeping. Well, I do sleep, but not before 3-4 (usually 4) AM and then sleep is restless.  I can't remember what I've said about this, but for now I have increased my Seroquel dose from really high to 20% about really high.  When I say really high I mean Dr.Body once told me that he had never seen  someone awake and functioning on that dose.  I also have a script for valium for severe insomnia.  It used to be great because I was very, very sensitive.  Unfortunately I also built tolerance very, very quickly and the 1.25 mg dose that used to leave me tired has increased to 5 mg (the prescribed dose I could not handle before) not working and so I'm taking 7.5 mg of that. Tonight I added another Klonopin.

The thing is that outwardly you would not think I was having a mood episode.  It has taken me 2 days to come up with enough symptoms to believe it, even though behaviorally proving it is still going to be weird; I can sit still.  I can carry on a relatively smooth conversation.  I can make decisions pretty well, I think.  I also have trouble making sense when I write, cry easily, am not sleeping (this is such a big symptom for me that my protocol includes notifying Dr. Brain if I have trouble sleeping for 3 days).  I can't say the sleep is typical of a mixed episode or mania for me; usually it just goes away.  But I realized that I have never before had quite this much medication to throw at it, and also that I've never been in the early phases of surgical recovery when this hit.  I had truly hoped it would stop when I came off pain meds but if the pain meds triggered it they weren't the only cause.  I am praying hard my mirena isn't the issue.  I have read only on message boards about "here's why I hate this med" about insomnia occurring, and if there is a slight risk it's a much higher one for me since my body hates hormones, but very little of this is in my blood stream.  And while i had emotionally prepared myself for the possibility of needing to try a wya to get more hormones in my blood stream through the Nuva Ring (which I read I'm too old for) or the mini-pill I really did not prepare myself that the mirena could have this side effect.  We discussed the possibility and how easy it is to remove if needed, but I really want to make it through 6 months.  There are other mixed signs; I'm sensitive, I don't want to leave home (partially/mainly because I'm so extremely tired, I cry at the drop of a hat, I forget things (another thing that totally could be related to lack of sleep).  But I am pretty certain Dr. Mind won't see mania when looking at me because am I still, I can mostly talk normally, and I don't think the extremes are showing that much.

One of the ways that I finally had definitive proof today was that I suddenly found a horrible song stuck in my head.  I hadn't encountered it but the neighbors had a lot of kids at a cookout and one of them may have sung it (Brady Bunch song).  I call this part of mania sheer torture because those songs/sounds/phrases take over my thoughts and I hear them until I want to beat my head against a wall, but I'm fairly sure even though wouldn't help.  So today I thought that if I had to have a song/sound stuck I was replacing it with something I preferred.  I pulled up the first song I could think of and it's actually given me relief from the Brady bunch, who I never liked anyway.

Now to get the rest to GO AWAY.  I'm going to try to see Dr. Mind tomorrow but it's unlikely since he's likely to be book from today being a holiday.  Regardless I need him to get in touch with Dr.Brain and verify the mania because I need to be able to tell them yes or no about going back to work.

I can't believe I'm on the highest dose I've ever taken of Seroquel, have been long enough for it to work, taking huge doses of benzos and still this symptomatic.  This was so not the plan.  I did talk to Dr.Brain in the hospital about needing her to assess my ability to work next wek.  I don't  see it but don't want to tell them no until I'm sure.

I  hate to do this but I think I'm going  to actually leave Dr. Brain a message.  Ugh.