The last option before the bad one

I talked to Dr. Brain today.   I started what will hopefully be about a 2 week pulse of Zyprexa tonight.  We're lowering the Seroquel a touch hopefully letting me feel human although I'll still be on a ton of antipsychotic.  There are some tricky parts to this, including that Seroquel is the only antipsychotic of the 4? I've taken that I did not have a major adverse reaction to.  So that means that  I'm more likely to react somehow.  We did not discuss this but have previously, that all antipsychotics require care for me.  If today's dose doesn't help then I'll go up one more time.  If that doesn't work then I'll be hospitalized. I won't be back to work for 3 weeks minimum, probably 4-6.  She would never tell me if she thought the hospital likely exactly, but the preparation means I need to wrap my brain around it.I just ordered a smaller weighted blanket.  I am using 2 right now because I want to move so badly, which tells me that sleeping with something intended to wrap around the neck isn't going to help much.  I paid exorbitant shipping fees because I have no idea how long I get before I am admitted if that happens.  I'm going to lobby for a free weekend unless Dr. Brain is the dr. on call because the weekends there are mind-numbingly boring. But we have to get me treated too so I'm trying to figure out what I need to handle early this week.  I do know that if I have to go a list that says "this is my weighted blanket.  It's the only way I sleep." "these are my tissues from home.  I get a rash from other brands", etc.And I know  to take a lot less clothes b/c there is a washer, and I'll want several  sweatshirts because I was constantly cold there.   I'll probably have to buy some pants as I have enough pairs but a couple pairs don't quite come up over my surgical belly yet.

As you can see I'm trying to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  I  just know that when it gets so bad that I can't do basic hygiene because it slips my mind, and I spend 5 minutes trying to decide if I should call or go back to schedule that filling and then it turns out that I had the appointment card in my hand, when I'm yelling at my demented cat, it's just not good.  That's part of why I've limited my writing; I didn't want to admit forgetting to brush my teeth or put on deodorant or purposefully pulling tangled, greasy hair back in a pony tail to go see Dr. Mind.  Those are not good even if it's just because I truly am tired.

I'm not going to be going to the zoo tomorrow as I hoped, unless this stuff totally doesn't work.  But I did spend the afternoon with my niece and heard her say my name and get mad when she wanted me and I walked off not knowing this and all manner of cuteness.  She loves cats and screams MRRROOOOWWWWWWWWWW so loudly and so high pitched my mom's cat decided that just a screen door and regular door weren't enough protection and took off.

I had to do something really awkward tonight.  My assistant, who finished her training about exactly when I had to go off work, has called me twice now wanting to know when I'll be back and making it clear that I'm causing financial issues for her and that she may quit.  This makes me cry.  Therefore I wrote to both supervisors expressing my concerns, telling them how precarious things are right now for me, and asking them to talk to her so she makes decisions based on what someone with authority wants and without me feeling guilty because I am sick.  I hope someone gets back to me soon.  I know she's wrong and being completely rude and unsympathetic (saying "I'm having serious surgical complications") covers a lot of territory so she definitely could have been more sensitive.  Oh well, I just turned my phone off and left a mess that I'll check in periodically.  I won't be taking her calls until I'm better.

So, there's a lot of information in one thing.  I'm getting anxious about this zyprexa; she said a few hours and then I'll get sleepy.  2.5 hours later I'm wide awake.  I have a feeling tomorrow will be the next dose.  Maybe the zoo after all????  We'll see, I get so tired so easily and it's hard to make myself rest when the cutest one year old ever wants to hug me and be read to and play with me.  She's awesome.