Bravery

I wrote the post below and then realized there is something good coming of this fear. I am gaining courage to do other things I normally avoid because I have to do something, and perhaps I get a sense of control out of conquering less frightening things than my future.

So, last week I went to the dentist for the first time in 8 years. For a long time I simply didn't have insurance. After I was diagnosed with bipolar and started being nauseated all the time I just couldn't tolerate anyone's fingers in my mouth. Then I spent so much time vomiting and it damaged my teeth. So I spent 5 hours there last week and this week will spend about 6 more getting fillings and cosmetic work done. And although I never thought I cared much, I feel so much better with my pretty new teeth.

Next I am going to get the first good haircut I've had in years. I hate being descriptive of myself, but I think it's safe to admit that I have the kind of curly hair most women are envious of. I love it, but I'm also self conscious about it. (Nobody ever describes me without mentioning the hair, and it's the kind of curly that if someone says curly headed woman then of all the curly headed women in my workplace people are pretty sure they mean me). It's hard to get a good haircut because some people just aren't good at cutting curly hair. Over the years I've gotten so wary I kind of gave up. But I've had the same hairstyle for 6 years now and I'm tired of it. So as kind of a treat for surviving this summer and managing all the dental work I am going to go to one of the nicer places around here and shell out more money than I want to think about for a good cut and maybe even highlights (if I can find that much courage).

I think that I have this need to look as good as possible when I go back to work as some sort of confidence thing. I looked terrible when I left in April, and at least now I look healthy, but I will still have to prove myself. It's going to be really hard to go back and have people constantly asking where I was and what was wrong and only being able to give them a convoluted answer that some will know has major gaps in it. I do not have much confidence about how I look because the meds have distorted my body so much, and so feeling good about my head at least gives me confidence about something.

On the other hand, perhaps I should just shave my head and get it tattooed or something. That might take care of people being overly curious about where I was......