In which I am Unfair

Feel free to disagree as you wish. I know I'm not being all that fair, but I'm mad, and this is my space, and I'm bipolar and as we all know bipolar patients are prone to wildness, and so I shall say what I think.

I am SO VERY TIRED of people who have simple depression discussing it. Not discussing depression in general, it is a hard thing to deal with. In fact, having just been solely depressed for one of the first times in many years for a while I was surprised at how badly it hurt. Specifically I am tired of the "and so THEN the psychiatrist said I might have bipolar, and I was all kinds of mad because everyone knows that only CRAZY people have bipolar and I am a totally normally person who just...". A quote today from someone said "I had rather thought that if I were bipolar I'’d be out all night gambling or having sex with shop clerks in dressing rooms. I kno ''I’m generalizing, but sheesh! If youÂ’re going to call me manic-depressive, canÂ’t I have some fun first?" Now, I'm sensitive, but I REALLY resent generalizations like that because I have gone to some huge extremes to control whatever impulses when manic, and I'm very resentful when someone assumes I have made bad decisions just because I have mania. That's where dangerous assumptions like "bipolar people shouldn't be allowed to _____" start, and I think that is stupid. I think what any bipolar person can do is pretty specific to that person and the time period. For example, I know that I absolutely cannot have children. Not only do my meds make it dangerous to a fetus, but I am completing 4 months of barely being able to care for myself. Not so good if I were a mommy. Another example is caffeine. When I was first diagnosed I was encouraged to give it up for a substantial time, like 6 months, then I could try small amounts again. I learned limits with it quickly and for the last 4 years have been able to have 1-2 cans of pop daily. Prior admitting to this last illness I was using it to get the manic energy I needed to ignore how terribly ill I was. So now caffeine will be an extremely rare treat for me.

The truth is that I have a nicely established history at this point of handling myself very well when manic. I have never purchased anything that I was not at least moderately considering and which was not useful when manic. The weirdest thing was 2 kittens, which I had sort of planned for, and sometimes I am more relaxed about prices than normal. So the rule is that I just don't buy things when manic. There was a period when I was first diagnosed that I spent hours daily walking through stores to burn energy. Even then I didn't spend money. In fact "No major decisions when manic" is recited around here like a mantra. The closest thing to a sexual error I have made was trusting a guy and thinking I could have a relationship with him despite signs he was going to hurt me. But I ultimately stuck to my real beliefs and punched him instead. (oops).

It is true that I will kill you and smile while doing it when manic. I will get my feelings hurt if you look at me funny, or if you don't look at me enough. I will instantaneously lose my temper if I even suspect you of crossing me and you will know it. But I just don't do what everyone thinks bipolars do and laughs at us for doing. And I'm sorry, but I don't find it funny. At all.

I've written before about my feelings about how bipolar is getting all popular, and this is exactly what I mean. The woman I mentioned above? Her doctor gave her a script for a mild(er) (it kicked my butt with a year of puking every morning at 10:00 but everyone else thinks it's mild) mood stabilizer and sent her away. And she hated it, because let's face it mild mood stabilizer isn't exactly Disneyworld, and so now she won't take anything. And I'm no diagnostic expert (nor do I know her), but I bet she merely has depression.

I think medically it is possible to treat more of these situations where people don't respond well to antidepressants, or where tiny signs of bipolar are present, because there are so many more meds for bipolar available now, but I think also there are situations where it is probably appealing to diagnose a low end bipolar disorder. Some insurance doesn't exactly promote seeing psychiatrists for common depression, and bipolar is common enough to keep people coming back. At the other end of the spectrum nobody wants patients like me; I take up way too much time. I am very, very blessed to have a doctor who is willing to spend an hour or more a month with me and responds to many emails as well. Before I saw her I was refused by every doctor my insurance at that time listed in my city (the Big City, not Cow Pastureville). I am constantly afraid she'll move to Canada or something.

Some realities need to come together: Bipolar is not common. It's not. Some people, probably lots of people, have slightly bipolarish features to their basic depression, but full blown bipolar is not common. On the other hand, all people with bipolar are not alike. There are plenty of people with bipolar who are (gasp) able to read and are hurt by the ridiculously common jokes. I have taken people off my list of blogs I regularly read because of bipolar jokes, more than once. And it's not like these blogs have anything to do with mental health which might give them some right. I have also forgiven jokes that didn't hurt so bad or hit on a bad day, more than once. The thing is, I have bipolar patients and spend a lot of time with bipolar people. And I laugh about things they do. I know people have laughed at me. I have laughed at me, because every so often I've really gotten into funny situations. But never, ever have I laughed because I thought I was too good for something. And when someone is laughing because they know they are too smart, too educated, too together to be bipolar and they could not possibly have the illness that tries to wreck my life on a daily basis, then that is where the world seems wrong.

In the meantime, people who think they know what my life is like without having my diagnosis, well, they can come help me start my 3 weeks of cleaning up detritus am much as I can during the hot, hot days we're about to have.