A good day

The last two weeks have been kind of hard with sleeping issues. If I take meds I sleep all day. If I don't I can't fall asleep then I want to sleep all night. On top of that, the holiday changed my schedule with my psychologist around a lot, and good or bad I'm very dependent on him right now. So all I could see was bad in almost everything. I knew I was better, but the most I'd had was several good hours together and I know that's not good enough for much of anything.

Thursday I cried and cried about needing a good day. It's really hard because I am going back to work knowing that I'm going to find out a lot about whether I can continue in my profession. It's possible that it is too much for me and I'll have to find another job. Which I don't want to do, for one thing, and would almost definetely mean a huge salary cut for another, which would mean a lot of lifestyle changes I don't want to consider. So everything feels like it is leaning on getting better and staying that way, and yet it hasn't exactly happened the way I wanted.

So we talked about how getting better will be slow. Somehow I hadn't thought of this in context. But I left with assigments to do yesterday, and doing them felt good. And I did them on little sleep. Last night I got very little sleep and had a morning psychologist appointment. Yet today has gone well. I'm tired but have done quite a few little things, and that's what I need to do. I've tolerated noise and even fireworks AGAIN (long story), and I'm ok. Now I suspect I will in turn sleep before 4 am.