It's all in the eyes

I was born shy. My early life just made me more shy, and so as an adult it's been a long and conscious battle to beat shyness. I've had to learn to trust people, to talk to people, to shake hands, to control my posture, everything. Something I have never learned well is to make eye contact, especially with men. I link men to abuse and I try very hard not to fear them, but I do to some extent even when I know it is irrational. Even with the men I trust the most I'm always just a little afraid.

The only time I'm not afraid and can consistently manage eye contact is with patients. As a student I worked extremely hard on this and became very conscientious about it. However, I haven't seen a patient in 3 1/2 months. In fact, I've barely left the house in 3 1/2 months...So that skill is just not so good.

Last week I suddenly started, without trying, making eye contact with my male therapist. After a time or two he asked me about it. I don't know why. But suddenly I'm able to do it a lot more. It's odd to be so aware of it because now I am aware of it about 80% of the time, and I'm used to trying to do this, but not it being so constant.

This is so good though because it is progress beyond just my moods. My moods are improving slowly and steadily, and I'm no longer afraid I'll never get better. But it is really nice to randomly progress in an area that I didn't even care about.