It's hitting me now

One week of the new job down. I haven't said much about it really, have I? It's a good job, and I'm happy with many parts. I am especially happy that nobody seems to be doing overtime and that it is just, well, it's an easier job. I am not going to run around saying that at work of course because nobody wants to hear it, but it is. The company is easier (thus far), the patients are beyond easier (I was not hit or otherwise assaulted or threatened once in an entire week!), and my assistants listen. It's so far much easier to do what I must learn to do and keep my work separated from my life.

At the same time I think it really hit me what the last 2 months were like. I'm exhausted and moody and even having occasional thoughts about hurting myself. I will not and they aren't even real thoughts that mean this is what I want, they are just the disease throwing curveballs. I am totally safe and am very good at handling much worse using a technique I helped create that works very well for me. But the thing is that when I have this kind of thought I get to remember that I have less control than I think I do.

This time this is further complicated because my meds are messed up. I needed to refill my depakote on Friday, so I called it in. The store usually says 20 minutes but this time asked for an hour. I killed the time and realized I didn't have my wallet with my debit card. So I tried to pay via check. Except that they wouldn't TAKE my check because I didn't have my driver's license. So I had to leave without it. Then when I checked my bank balance later it turned out that I was overdrawn because I have neglected to deposit some checks and then have had some unusual expenses. With the mania I've had I just haven't kept track well how much was left, and so I made a big mistake. And I can't get the checks deposited until tomorrow, so I can't pick it up until tomorrow. Unfortunately depakote is my heavy hitter med and I can always tell when I don't have it. On top of that we increased my lithium dose slightly to try to stop the continuous cycling of late. And to ice the cake I got a flu shot Friday and have had minor symptoms. Nothing bad, just an itchy bump where the shot went in (I'm guessing I'm allergic to some component although it's not eggs, but they do ask about an antibiotic (gentamycin) this year so perhaps I'm allergic to that) and a headache, but it was enough to make me sleep a lot.

So, I'm finding myself just wanting to wait a few more days before going to work. I made an enormous mistake not taking last week off and resting.

On the other hand, I can go to work each day knowing I'll be home what seems EARLY and that I will have a good day........