Mania: Up and down and around and over and through a hoop

What a day. For complicated reasons I had to start at the place closest to the Big City where the psychologist is. Then I had to drive back toward home to the other place, then back to the Big City again for my therapy appointment. I had to deposit the checks to fix my bank account before the therapy appointment, stuff something into my face, run to the specialty pet store to get the fancy-pants cat food that my spoiled animals require due to severe obesity in one and vomiting in another. (Some of it was on sale! Yippee!!!) Then I rushed to the counseling center and had a very long (both in time and content) session. Then I rushed to get enough gas to get me to the pharmacy, got to the pharmacy with 5 minutes to spare, grabbed my meds and a couple things I was out of, took my depakote in the parking lot so they would start working a little sooner, rushed to another gas station to actually fill up, and then got home just before 10. And I'm too manic and wound up to sleep, so now I'm trying to calm down.

I did something stupid today. I told the psychologist about the thinking about hurting myself, because that's part of a promise I made a long time ago. Except that I meant to tell him early on, but somehow it didn't come out until I was picking up my coat to leave. This did not go over well. And it shouldn't have because I know I'm supposed to be honest about that. It is just so hard to have to go through the process that surrounds this. 15 questions to prove I really don't want to. Three or 4 questions about where I have help available if I need it. 10 more times of me saying it's just nothing. Questions about whether I am safe to go home and can I be alone. And then knowing I'm going to be watched for several weeks like a hawk.

I just hate the whole thing. I understand it totally, but I hate it. I've had to go through asking those same questions myself, twice, and I understand how hearing someone say they want to self-injure is terrifying, and when I've heard the patients have been in a very safe setting. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate feeling that there is a threat of the hospital, which I am afraid of.

The thing is that I can tell a difference in really scary thinking and this. This is just a suggestion that I can hear is not coming from my own rational thinking. It's like a whisper in my brain. It's hard to explain. When I've truly been suicidal I've been thinking very clearly about this and this and this are the things I need to do. This and this and this must be done first. Etc. This doesn't persist nor is it anything more than annoying.

But my stupid hiding of it (I really think I hoped he would ask, as he usually does when I get way up but I'm not sure he knew how up I am) now means more discussion about this stuff being very important, etc. And yet every time I admit this sort of thing I feel more powerless. Last spring when I was forced to surrender sharp objects in my possession I was suddenly forced once again to face "wow, right now I am THIS mentally ill". I know that he was right to take that from me and that he was correct and I would have hurt myself. Giving it to him was really my decision because if I would have promised to not use it I could have kept it. But from that point on I wonder exactly what else he'll take from me. I was quite honest with him a long time ago that pills are what he'd need to watch for because I know meds well enough to know what to take. (No lithium overdoses here though!) But he can hardly stick those in his desk drawer.....unless I guess he wanted to dole out a week's supply at a time.....which is probably not going to happen. But one of the reasons these impulsive thoughts are safe enough is that they are more violent things and I do not have the stomach to do that. I tried once and learned that I can remain very calm in the face of any injury except my own self-inflicted kind. I barely had a scratch before I was done with that forever.

This is not coming to any natural conclusion and I need to go do my relaxation tape and try to sleep. So here we shall end.

Good night.