More than Just Me

I called the onsite manager who attempts to govern the terrible assistant and left a message regarding my putting things in writing, etc. I just figured he might want to know this. Well, soon after I realized what I had done. I have taken charge of this situation. I refused to let anyone force me into decisions that can make me sick. 6 months ago I couldn't do this. In fact that's the entire worst part of how sick I was, and especially of how severe my lithium toxicity was: in a large sense it was my own fault. Accepting that was tremendously painful, and I didn't do it easily. In fact I spent a lot of time trying to get the psychologist to tell me it was not my fault. But it was. Not all of it, but I made very bad decisions.

I can't believe how much I have changed in the last 10 months. A year ago I wouldn't have done any of this. I wouldn't have done anything about the issues. I wouldn't repeatedly confront the assistant about the problems. I wouldn't have changed jobs. I wouldn't have said "No, I can't handle this stuff and it's not my fault". I know because a year ago there were other big issues and I just kept mumbling about leaving. Then I realized I needed a disability break, except I refused to take it until my paperwork was done. Then things improved at work, even though my moods didn't, so I stayed. Then I felt stuck and let myself get so sick. And now I'm a new person.

This year is the first time I've ever had to cope with the emotions I've felt about my illness. I thought I was so confident about it; instead I learned I'm ashamed of so much. That's kept me from demanding basic, bare minimum, assistance. I've also always tried to compensate by doing and being more. Now I know that won't work and I won't allow anyone to make me feel I should be like that.

I always thought admitting I can't was the beginning of the end. Instead it has become the beginning of a new beginning.

I just never dreamed I'd be excited about my last week of this job. That alone says it's a new me going into the next one.

Here goes nothing.