Today was a little less um, dramatic, than yesterday. Except that I found out I totally wrecked my credit score during my 2 years of serious illness. The good thing is, I guess, that I already have the things I really would need credit approval for anyway, and I'm working (and have been for several years, I just got messed up by illness) to pay off all credit card debt ASAP. Nonetheless, stress just is no fun.
But anyway, the point today is to explain my work plans. This week I got in trouble yet again for not working fast enough. I sat in therapy and listened to myself, and thought about how much I hate listening to myself go on and on about this and say the same things, and how much I know I need to decide to fix it. I also realized that part of why I don't have friends at work and haven't even tried to make friends this time is because I'm unhappy doing this now. I'm unhappy that I can't just do what I do and move on and I'm unhappy that I can't do better. I realized that I don't act like myself so much of the time any more, and that a lot of the time what I'm feeling like my therapist is showing me of myself or how he sees me, he is getting because he sees me after I've worked all day and that's all that is left.
But I didn't used to be like that. I was fun. Even with bipolar I could function socially at work as long as I took my meds. But now all my energy goes into barely keeping up.
I've known for a while I needed to find something a bit different to do. The challenge is that I don't feel qualified to do many of the things OTs can do. I was getting sick the whole time I was in school and there is a lot of information that never made it near my brain. There were many, many missed classes (Emilijia will understand the significance of this: I skipped all but 4 kinesiology lectures because the professor was so boring I could sit still. And I passed.....no clue how. Still don't know open chain and closed chain, lots of anatomy, etc....) And I just didn't want to change fields because of the illness. I don't like quitting anything because the illness says to.
Also, there were practical issues. I make more money than I will in another setting, possibly quite a bit more. The potential money loss gets more significant as I gain experience. On the other hand, insurance that provided coverage of my psychologist more than just in theory would make up a lot of salary. I have already been without short-term disability or FMLA coverage for 8 months; I'm so close to the 12 months to get them back. Those are things I cling to as no payments, no house. Since I'm not in a place where we can be confident I'll stay ok for any length of time yet I don't want to dig a hole, as the remaining treatments pretty much promise me time off work and/or hospitalizition.
But I now realize I probably will have a shortened career, and I am doing no-one any good if I'm going through it bitter, tired and angry. Which is precisely who I've become. I hate this me.
So my new plan is to tell my doctor next month that once my disability goes into efffect, the next time I'm sick I want her to be as aggressive as she can. I'm assuming this will mean jumping to ECT or Clozaril. Maybe Zyprexa, although I'm not sure it's still in the ring as very likely to work. I'm going to agree to hospitalization, anything, and when I'm good and stable (or a reasonable approximation) I'll go back to work, find another job, and try again in a different environment.
In the meantime I'm going to stop whining so much.