Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Worrying about worrying

I operate with a very, very high anxiety level at all times. It does not tend to remit much at all without medication and often a concentrated effort on my part. I have been diagnosed with all sorts of anxiety disorders over the years: generalized anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD. I have used the anxiety for years to get through the many, many days I am so depressed I don't want to get out of bed but have to. I learned how to turn anxiety into energy. The problem is that I don't really need to be converting anything into energy because it makes me manic. I get pretty manic simply out of panic rather frequently.

This is what I'm working on in therapy. It's a new project and will be a major one for a long time. Last week, before the chaos of the rash, I had a really bad day at work and got myself really worked up. I did what I should do though and called for a therapy appointment. It hurt my pride because that was supposed to be the first planned 10 days between visits I'd had in a very long time. But I needed to go and it's good I did since I spent the rest of the week knocked out.

Today I realized that I've developed this thing where I am trying so hard all the time to keep a lid on my crazy emotions that I have turned it into out of control anxiety WITH out of control moods instead of just out of control moods. The anxiety does help me avoid having moods sneak up on me and explode, maybe, but I still am out of control and making it worse with what I'm doing now. So I need to fix that.

My problem is that I remember how scary it was to totally and absolutely lose control to manic rage or impulsiveness and I am afraid of ever feeling that again. I never want to be like that or feel that again. Meds help but we all know the mood monster lurks all the time, meds or no meds.

So how do you handle the need to remain in control of the extremes?


Emilija said...

I have a problem with anxiety too. Klonopin has solved it. I take half a milligram every night, and I am fine. Occasionally I take more to sleep or around my period (killer PMS). Before I was tried on antipsychotics, one doctor had my on 12mg of klonopin! Anything less than 6mg my body could adapt to, and I could function on. I did grad school on 4mg of it. But on my current meds, all I need is half a milligram. I can't remember your med list. How do you respond to benzo's?

Just Me said...

I take Ativan. I take .5 mg at bedtime routinely, and can PRN up to 3 mg/day as needed. (Don't do that much though).

I've never been on Klonopin. I think this was because it is closer to Xanax, which severely knocks me out.

Seeing if we can tackle anxiety medically was on the list for this month's psych visit, but now that will be at a much lower priority.