Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, June 14, 2007

If only

Sort of. This mania thing isn't pretty to be around but it sure is making me effecient. I've kicked butt at work this week. That is great but it will hit me back in a bunch of unfortunate ways. I'm tired, for one thing. That just gets more complicated by my sleep patterns being thrown off more than usual. Second, it actually costs me money. I am paid hourly and when I work so fast I don't need my allowed paperwork etc. time then I don't get a full day's work. Finally, and worst, it confuses my employer into thinking I can be effecient if I try. I don't know why it is so hard to understand that it isn't about trying, right now I'm trying to be less effecient, but about how my mind is working. When I'm thinking about 5 things at once of course I can do faster patient care and do more things at once than I can if I am going verrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy slllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllyyyyyyyy like when I am depressed. When I'm manic I have more energy and am much less careful about how it is burned, so I have no problem blowing all I have by Thursday. Other times I try to modulate it more.

I also imagine the care I'm giving isn't top notch, but I no longer think the care I give is that good much of the time. If it were it would matter to someone. And if I do provide good care and nobody cares because the amount of money I make compared to the amount they pay me isn't the ratio they most want then something is so wrong. Obviously a profit is important, but this is about the patients, and if that isn't the biggest consideration then I want to do something else.

Also, did I mention I get really cranky when the mania is like this?


Emilija said...

Employers want quantity, we want to give quality. And it doesn't matter how good your patient care skills are, if the paperwork doesn't get done right, the whole place can get shut down. I know my hospital is struggling, most of our patients are medicaid. I know that if we don't make money, we won't be around do do anyone any good. That's what I tell myself when I stay late to do my paperwork! (Which I don't get paid overtime for).

Just Me said...

I do PLENTY of working extra to get paperwork done. I have always used this to compensate for my slowness. But for some reason my manager recently decided I wasn't allowed to do that. Finally this was revoked, but it led to a lot of really low numbers out of me for a while.

The problem is that my manager seems to think this is something I can learn to totally compensate for, or that it's not a bipolar issue it is a professional skill I'm lacking. She isn't really big into ACCOMODATING. That's what vocational rehab is for, to help them learn about accomodating, but it gets stressful in the meantime while I am simply unable to do certain things. (Another example is heat; heat makes me very sick and raises my lithium levels. I can't be outside much in the summer. But I'm going to have to fight to get the accomodation that my assistant treat the patients outside the main building on days over 90 degrees or whatever.

Just annoys me. I guess because it is common sense to me....