Mondays are my long day. Work followed by therapy followed by a long drive home. I'm usually gone 12-13 hours. Then it's trash day, so by the time I'm inside and have my shoes off it's a few minutes late for pills. And throughout this I'm constantly thinking because I generally realize I wasn't done with therapy after I leave and I usually have more to say than I thought.
Lately I've been really bothered because I think I'm annoying my therapist. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough or moving fast enough or something. I get the impression that I am really frustrating him.
To be honest I don't care if I'm frustrating him in some ways. I know we're going to clash sometimes, especially if he really is in this long-term as he says he will be. I'm pretty sure that it is better to clash than to receive praise for things I'm doing that are not beneficial to me. I'm in the midst of making some very hard decisions and I am being slow about it and not at all decisive. I'm sure that this is horribly frustrating to listen to over a very extended time period. It would be better for me if I just made the decision and got it over with, but I can't do that because my life isn't set up for the changes (work-related) to occur just yet. I'm pretty sure that some friction between us at times is a good thing. I'm not sure that my questioning whether he wants to leave each session and steal a handle of my anxiety meds as I walk past him.
On the other hand, I think of my own patient who every treatment requires us to take many, many deep breaths because she just won't try anything we ask so that she progresses, and we know that she is making bad decisions that are preventing her from getting well, something that would be entirely possible for this woman.
I need to figure out how to talk to my therapist about this, but I don't have a good reason to question him; I don't have anything specific. I really hope that I can figure it out soon though.
6 days until next Monday.....