Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Bluebirds and rainbows

The last few days have been something I've been awaiting for so long that it seems unreal that I'm here. I am happy. The last time I felt this good (and not too good) was years ago. Absolutely no mood swings.

Partly this just has been building ever since my last few med changes. Partly this is because my experience Thursday was so incredibly empowering.

I needed this so much though and the timing couldn't have been better. Finally admitting I lost some parts of myself that I was pretty attached to (like the ability to be nice) has been hard enough, but admitting that I didn't know if I could ever be happy about anything again was much, much worse. Now I know that at least that much isn't gone for good, it's just been on a long vacation.

I spent today completely knocked out. It was a busy, busy week with 2 emotional days in a row at the end. Never easy. Then it has been the hottest days of the year, and the heat has nearly wiped me out. I had to skip several lithium doses and finally got that going again today. Hopefully it will be cooler this coming week. That was another way though I could tell I'm doing well. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her I had to do that, just because we know I really need lithium. Her response of ok, be careful, let me know how far I've come. I was learning to manage a lot of adjustments to different meds before I got so sick 2 years ago. After I was so sick I was terrified to adjust anything alone. Now I'm allowed to adjust even lithium alone (normally I couldn't do this, but I take a dose so small it is not likely to give me even a minimally effective blood level on normal scales; I have signs of toxicity at the minimally effective level point, so we treat it as if we know it is dangerous if myu levels are at the typical "too high", but also dangerous based on body signs. I am so glad I'm well enough to be trusted again.

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