Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Friday, March 28, 2008


It's funny sometimes how the things I miss most are things I've never actually done, yet know I really can't do. Like going to my town's Fourth of July celebration. I am still sad about that and it's nearly a year later. It just is a place to put my resentment of my heat intolerance.

I've been listening to the CD of a new John Grisham book, called Playing for Pizza. It's about a 3rd string NFL quarterback who leaves Cleveland in disgrace and winds up leading an Italian team through an exciting season of Italian national football, a sport few Italians know about. It's a very good book and it has made me desperately want to visit Italy through wonderfully descriptive writing.

I always wanted to travel. Yet I'm now kind of stuck in this time zone. I barely can handle daylight savings time; I can't imagine what would happen if I changed more than an hour. I would strongly hesitate to even try to visit one time zone away unless I could stay on my own time the entire visit. Fortunately there's good stuff in this time zone. But again, something on my "I wish" list is going to go on as a wish forever, a dream I've achieved never.

I'm too happy to be well to really care that this is true, yet it is a bit sad. I really wish there were a day that I clearly would find something (besides seeing the psychologist and psychiatrist and all these fun kidney testing people) that this adds to my life instead of limiting.

Oh well....


Emilija said...

Don't judge the future by the present. If you can get a few years of stability under your belt, so to speak, you may find that you are able to tolerate a lot of things that you once couldn't. Somehow I'm much better with crowds now. And with my ambien to help me sleep, I can make time changes pretty easily. Italy may be in your future!

Just Me said...

Pretty much anything else I would agree with you. The difference in my life between a year ago and now proves that; even though my doctors kept encouraging me to not give up hope that something would work I know that nobody thought it would be something that actually exists right now. It's almost funny now; I'm over-sedated and we agree on this, but we're all far too afraid to reduce the drugs that really do it. I was going to reduce 1/8th of a Seroquel until suddenly I came up with an alternative and botht he doctor and I visibly relaxed. Even though 1/8th (25 mg) shouldn't be much....

The thing is, for me, sleep is the most challenging part. I didn't sleep even as an infant. Anything that messes with my sleep much be strongly avoided. This rule will never change, because any time I have a bad night for any reason on earth I start to have cycling. One night this week I couldn't fall asleep until 2 and the symptoms were much more at the surface until I got some extra rest.

I've been on everything for sleep. Rozeram was the only thing that worked half-decently, but I only got to try it once because I'm very, very allergic to it and woke up with my whole face swollen and a rash all over. I do use Ambien when in the midst of absolute mania, but it doesn't really work.

So, my body would have to work a whole lot more consistently than it has in my life, for a long time, before this would be trustworthy. I trust things to go well now, but I really doubt I'll ever trust it that much.