Failure/Success

One of the hardest things of all for me with this illness is that I have to reduce what I do to match my energy level. I'm very good at telling myself "oh, I can do that. I'll just wait and rest _____." But by the time ___ occurs I'm too tired to do anything.

Generally I must have one weekend day to do nothing but sleep, read, and maybe do laundry. Sometimes I do something the other day, sometimes not. Now that I work a 4 day schedule I usually use part of my day off to do errands and things, leaving me free to rest all weekend if needed (usually a couple times/month).

Sadly, this year Easter came in a week when I already feel crummy. Not only do I have the UTI symptoms, I get nauseous every time I try to eat anything but cereal, a lovely side effect of the antibiotic. So I had to choose to skip Easter dinner. Which hurt my mother. I didn't really even choose, my nap didn't end until partway through. I had considered it, but was waiting until the lunch nausea subsided when I fell asleep.

I know why she is hurt. Bipolar dictates far too much about my life and it affects other people and what they want.

At the same time I know I did what was right. Being sick is enough stress on my body all by itself. Being sick and forcing energy to appear where it isn't is a really bad idea for me. Really, really bad. And today wasn't just a day I could hang around here and then go there; my shoes came home in biohazardous condition last night and had to have a bleach soak (probably should replace them but can't at short notice like this). So laundry is mandatory.

I just wish I could live up to expectations...