Seemed like a good idea

My new presciption coverage is incredibly good. I've already saved something like $350 and I've only been on it since April 1. The plan has much, much lower co-pays, and it has a mail-order plan that is quite beneficial to use.

So I switched to the mail-order. I've had that as an option before but have never been able to use it because my doses changed so often that I was unable to rely on having any dose be effective for 3 full months. Now though my doses are pretty much maxed out, so any changes will pretty much have to be new meds.

A couple weeks ago I sent in the paperwork and scripts for all my meds. I ordered supplies of everything except for 4 meds either had plenty of or needed a new script. My doctor had warned me that 3 months of Depakote was a lot of Depakote. I also knew I'd be getting a lot of Seroquel. Well, Tuesday I had a package slip at the post office, and when I picked it up it was 10 lbs of medication.

I brought it home and gradually sorted it out. I am going to have to buy markers and color the tops or something because there are so many bottles that look identical. I had to find a whole extra drawer for meds. And there were 6 bottles of Depakote. 540 pills. Plus there were 3 bottles of Seroquel.

The savings was huge. And the process couldn't have been easier. Even Provigil came without me having to lift a finger to fight. My doctor may have had to fill out a form to talk to someone, but generally the Provigil annual review involves me having to do something. This time it just appeared, no questions and no huge penalty.

So, besides storage, what ever could be wrong? I don't like having so many drugs in my house. Right now and for a long time I have no been suicidal. Right now and for a long time I haven't had to worry about my ability to control this. But I've also lived with this illness for many years, and I know that I will be suicidal again.

I don't know how suicidal will present next. Usually I want to take pills, but my lithium toxicity adventure also taught me why I might not want to consider that way. I realized the very hard way that overdosing makes you so sick that it's entirely possible to have no result except to make you really sick and in the hospital. I know that it is better to be not sick and in the hospital if I must be there. So last spring I got rid of all of the pills I had hoarded over the years.

I've been careful since then to get rid of pills if I have to stop taking them. The only things I save are things like thyroid medication that my dose often changes on and which are pretty safe.

So now I have sort of an anti-hoarding problem. I have access to a huge amount of medication. More than I am comfortable with, but I need to get my meds this way to avoid paying penalties. I'm in no danger now, but if I have a serious episode I do not want such temptation.

I think I'm going to get a lock-box for it, just as a way to have to slow down before I could access anything. Slow probably would really take care of my situation, given that I have so much trouble taking pills that actually swallowing the tons and tons of medication it would take to hurt me without vomiting.

Anyone have any other ideas? I'd love to turn the whole heap of mess over to my therapist or someone else, but I am afraid of running out and not having access easily. Those pills must stay in this house.