It seems like I just finished one hard lesson in therapy, and now we've started another. This is probably the scariest thing I can think of taking on, but I have to before anything else in the logical next goals list can happen.
One of the things I struggle most with is trust. I have the double whammy of growing up in a really abusive family combined with an illness creating paranoia. And all my relationships are impaired by my lack of trust. And then I'm embarrassed by this, and so I don't even try. The only people I am truly friends with are people who hang in there through my repeated need to make sure things are ok. If you're my friend and I don't hear from you in a long time, either I'll ask if it's ok (meaning you are deeply trusted), or I'll assume you hate me and wait for you to contact me, letting the whole thing go.
Often trust is so difficult that it goes to basic levels for me. I don't even really like to be 1:1 in a room in many situations. Certain ones I'm ok, I'm ok with Dr. Mind, Dr. Brain, and Dr. Body, all 1:1, but I am not ok with Dr. Kidney alone. And even with those I am ok with, I struggle sometimes. Dr. Mind would not ever touch me, and that's partly because he knows it would upset me, but also because he's carefully professional. Strangely I touch my patients all the time and am a firm believer in the healing power of touch. Even if I had a patient I could treat without touching them, which does happen sometimes, I make sure I touch them at least once. I touch family member's arms without thinking. But the difference there is I am in control.
I've got to learn this. But it's scary. I am going to have to go where I've not cared to go before and I could live without that. When the therapist I saw the first 3 1/2 years I went to the counseling practice I use left, the point of choosing Dr. Mind was partially that because he is a man he is a place for me to practice greater trust. And we've come a long, long way. Early this year he kind of proclaimed that I was ready to go further than ever before if I could trust him. We worked on it and I've made incredible gains. But now we're back to the basics.
Today we talked about his definition of trust. Then I had to point out that I don't think I'm there yet. And my definition only proves that I am severe need of growth in this area. But it is so scary....
I also may have to talk to him about abuse. I haven't done that so much. But this is a whole new level of thinking and anticipating it is already triggering nightmares.
I know momentum is good. I also know I could say I need a few easy weeks. But then I'd just dread that this has to come. I've not been happily anticipating it for the weeks I've known it was coming. But there just has been so much this year.
I just have to keep remembering that it's good and that October and cooler temps are coming....