Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Thursday, September 17, 2009


This may sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. I am, however, curious about something.

Several months ago I thought about closing this blog. There were very few hits and even fewer returning readers. I felt like people didn't bother reading after I wasn't so sick and there was less drama.

Then I was fired. Drama. And my hits went way, way up the whole time I was off. I also figured out that if someone reads the blog in a reader I don't know about it, so that means my numbers might be a little more depressing than I thought. I also realized that I need this blog. Not because I want people to read necessarily, but because it is something I use as a way to fill the gaps in my memory when I'm not well. It also lets me have a record of what I've been through. Since I don't remember much of the last 15 years, anything that gives me clues helps.

But......I'm working again. And there are suddenly a lot less hits. Something like less than half of what I was getting. And while I'm not going to stop writing because this really is more for me than you, (and thank you nasty anonymous commenter for letting me really understand that), I do want to understand. What is missing when my life isn't falling apart? What would make me interesting the rest of the time? I'm not going to seek out drama. I like it when things stay calm in my life; I've had little of that. But it also feels weird that people only seem to want to read about the bad things. Is that really true?


Julia said...

It is the same with me, drama up, hits up. Plus, when I am blogging nearly everyday hits go up. It's a weird thing this relationship between commenter/blogger.

I'm always interested in past stuff - how you've dealt with past issues/challenges, what you've learned, relationship bonds with your providers - how you've made them better, when you've cut people loose, also relationships with others and how your issues impact that aspect.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

I think you have an important voice and I am glad you share it.

Anonymous said...

I am only a very occasional reader here, but I find myself drawn back to check in on you at times. Many people I love struggle with mental illness, including me, so I find your writing very illuminating. I don't come here for drama, but rather to be reassured that mental illness is not as crippling for some as it is for others, and that life is difficult, but can be faced with grace, no matter who you are or how your brain chemistry is wired. Does that help?

Just Me said...

Julia and Anonymous, thank you. Julia. I'm glad it's not just me (ok, it IS just me in a way :).
Anonymous, if there is anyone who comes here for that reason, it makes the ones who only care about the drama worthwhile.

Thank you both.