Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


I realized after my last post that Sunday wasn't the only time I've been cranky lately. So I did some thinking and realized that while I do not feel manic, I also am showing clear signs that it is coming. So, after consultation with Dr. Brain, I'm lowering my antidepressant.

I've known this was a likely event ever since I increased it in July. The point was especially driven home when I tried to go up a little bit more and felt manic symptoms within hours. Plus Dr. Brain has clearly not wanted me on so much.

The thing is that I'm not 100% better yet. I am still fighting with some depression. It's a lot better, but it is there. I'm working on something in therapy that is beyond difficult (trying to learn more appropriate reactions than trusting people too much so that I get hurt when they weren't the right people to trust to start with versus not trusting people who I have every reason to trust. I cannot think of a way to emphasize fully enough how BAD I am at this. I'm working on learning, but it is as hard as anything I've ever tried. Which makes it less than ideal to be making changes.

This would be ok, just something to stay aware of, except that I'm once again on my last really good option for a med. Thanks to misdiagnosis I have been on nearly every antidepressant out there, most of them at high doses. Thanks to this we know that many of them make me very manic, a few I'm allergic to or have rare but serious side effects for me, and none ever worked well until this one. The only thing left is Emsam, which is a MAOI and as such it has precautions. A few are food restrictions and while I'd miss some of the foods they aren't the biggest issue. The big issue is that you have to be off all antidepressants for a week before starting Emsam. And that thought terrifies me.

I know that I just have to hope that I'm fine at this lowered dose. That's certainly possible and if mania is even starting that may mean the depression is lifting more than I'm aware.

Regardless, I have that horrible feeling of being afraid of the future. I really hate that.

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