Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Boy I confused everyone

Let's see:

"Covering your face" - are you meaning that the doctor suggested a scarf around your mouth and nose to protect your lungs from breathing in the cold air?

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

I have done things that I thought I could not do from an irrational fear of heights. It is not totally irrational as I fell from a second story window when very young because I was able to open a window my parents thought toddlers couldn't open!

You just set a small goal and do it, then another and then do it. I was able to go to the top of the world trade center and walk around - that was my graduation.

Michal Ann said...

I'm confused,too. And which Dr. Mind did the convoluted tissue box maneuver? Are you glad you had the session "or not?"

Dr. Mind the First was the tissue manipulator.  He had this tiny office and except for a few times he sat behind his desk to keep me feeling safer I sat only a few feet from him.  Dr. Mind the Second has an office set up for couples and family therapy, so he has a desk chair that he pulls into the room, 2 small couches and a chair.  At first when I saw him I sat on a couch and he sat across from me but I never felt safe there for some reason and never made eye contact. Too close I think.  So from about 6 sessions into our 6 years together I've sat in the airchair and he sits a good 10 feet away in his desk chair usually.  It was really weird last year when I hurt my ankle because I had to sit on the couch I'd never gone near for several sessions while he sat on my old couch so the angle wouldn't be bizarre while I propped my leg up.

I am glad I went.  It was hard, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about things I'd rather forget since yesterday, but I also realized how much I had any constriction and how much I avoid it in so many ways.  I started making a list of ways I don't feel trapped and it's huge without effort.  Even my clothes are designed to feel safe.  I also have an idea of how I want to try to proceed to try to make this more possible.  He told me to think about what has worked before when I had to deal with traumatic things that were preventing me from doing what I wanted to do/had to do and from that I have an idea.  We'll see how he feels about it Thursday.  I also gave in and arranged appointments so that I don't go more than a week before no matter which of us (ie him) is out for whatever reason.  A couple times that means two appointments in one week to keep them from being 10-12 days apart and I think that's ok for now.  If nothing else I need to practice trusting him again and the distance I put between us when we miss sessions frequently makes that pretty hard which is why I don't try to reduce my visits ever; it doesn't work.

Does that make more sense?


Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,

You make perfect sense, although I didn't want to believe my thoughts were going in the right direction. :-( I am not sure, but I think I remember you saying you have needed to wear a mask at work at times for germ protection when you are sick/coughing? Does that type of mask have the same affect for you?

I certainly am NO doctor and have NO idea how to go about dealing with the trauma of this situation. As an observer, I do have a few thoughts though:

I think you are spot on in scheduling your appointments so you don't ever lose the trust you have gained with Dr. Mind.

Secondly, I have NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that you will overcome this. "... think about what has worked before when I had to deal with traumatic things that were preventing me from doing what I wanted to do/had to do..." To me, this is the essence of your success with this illness, this is where you think of a solution, carry it through, fight it out. As you said, you already have a plan. You're brave. And smart. And you WILL win.

As your cyber-friend I'd like to know if there is anything specific I can pray for for you?


p.s. I sound so "actual factual" here but I need you to know that inside I am like "flailing" for that little girl who went through those horrible, horrible experiences. It makes me want to fight back, and then sob with the unfairness of it. I hope you can feel the support I am sending you through these lines.

Just Me said...

I always feel the support. I think that because I'm matter-of-fact usually others are. It wasn't until I could be that I could talk about it. You can fight back; report any suspected abuse and don't let it go. It's better to be wrong than to have a child hurt. Do what you are doing and bravely read about it and know it is out there, a lot.

Right now prayers for clear lungs and better coping skills to achieve them are really appreciated. I'm also not having a stellar response to the only meds we know are safe. I'm trying to find a pulmonologist who has some understanding of psych--a big order. So great control both medically and through easier compliance with behavioral needs.

Thanks also for the support. I think we can do this. I just don't want to, and I hate being forced to confront things or not breathe. It feels like a rather harsh decision.

Thanks again. Your (all of your) support means the world.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Just want to clarify myself.

Sorry if you thought I was comparing your fear of having your mouth covered to my fear of heights, however I was just trying to say baby steps to getting to be able to cover your mouth. You don't have to do all the work in one session, as I am sure you know. It took me 20 YEARS to get to the top of the world trade tower, starting from being unable to stand on a step stool or go to the second story of a house and look out a window. And while it might seem so easy to just climb a ladder or put a scarf over your mouth, when you CAN'T for a completely non-physical reason it feels disabling.

Hoping your lungs get stronger, and you get the right meds that work with your current meds. Praying that you and Dr. Mind (the 2nd) find a way for you to get through your asthma/lung issues in a healthy non-scary manner.

I am saddened that your PTSD comes from such abusive and sociopathic treatment from someone who should have been your protector. :(

Michal Ann said...

It looks like great growth and healing is in process. I appreciate the level of detail and the clarity. I'm thankful for your "fan club."

The LORD will give strength unto His people; the LORD will bless His people with peace.

Psalm 29:11