Hopefully in 6 months I'll be better than this

In the last year so much of my life has changed. Not only have I had a lot of physical change, a major change in my overall condition, but I also have had a lot of change in my perspective. Many of the changes are good, but they also are still new. I'm still learning to feel that I fit my own life.

I'm sure I've mentioned before here that I hate change with a passion. This has not changed....

Today I saw my psychiatrist at her new hospital, in her new office, and I'm having a hard time with that. The stupidest things being different really upset me. I think my concerns about being able to reach her are probably lessened (we'll see, that means) but her use of a computer instead of paper notes bothered me. Sitting across a desk from her bothered me. I think at least that one I understand; the last time I was in a psychiatrist's office set up like that it was a bad experience, and this office isn't really a psychiatric office, it is an internist's office used by psychiatry at times. Changes in the routine of the questions, even though they were mostly the same questions, felt wrong. New questions were added to her routine I won't like. I just figured a way around answering the most hated question the psychologist asks that he is willing to accept as an answer, now I have new hated questions.

It was also hard because for almost 4 years she has been very involved and because I see her frequently my chart is a pretty cohesive path through my life. Eventually she will have that chart again and this will feel like a routine, but today it felt like what I imagine it would be like if I were to switch to a more typical every 3 months schedule: pure confusion. The 3 months schedule has never and isn't an option for me because my condition changes too rapidly. Even 6 weeks between visits results in my feeling totally overwhelmed trying to summarize how I've felt because 6 weeks is too long for me to not have had some significant changes. And really for the last 6 months I've been in touch with her more like weekly until the last few weeks. So today felt more like meeting with someone I only sort of know in a place that is totally unfamiliar. (And so confusing.....I was told to go to floor 3, suite B, and arrived to find that door marked internal medicine, check in at suite C. I assumed I remembered floor 3 wrong and checked out much of the building before deciding in desperation to try internal medicine, which was where she really was hiding. That start did not make me feel ok......)

I don't lie to myself about my dependency on both of my doctors. Hopefully the time will come when seeing them very routinely and having them both very much in my life will come. A year ago I was doing badly but I could safely miss a week of counseling, which is currently an idea that terrifies me. At one point I could even risk 6 weeks between psychiatric visits, which is another idea that causes huge panic. Having to change therapists started this I think, and being so sick finished the development. Relaxing is a part of healing, but I'm still at the point in healing where I'm pretty happy saying I've had a good week even when I'm using lots of assists to get that good week. And this was my best week in a very long time.

Sometimes it is when I see myself struggling so much with something that I know is not really a big deal except that it is a HUGE deal to me that I can see how much the illness affects my thinking and perceptions and reactions. I know that this is all something that is not that important to begin with, that it will work out, that I can talk to the doctor about it, etc. Yet it's been enough to make my mood go from good to quite anxious and upset. I even cried over this. And again, I KNOW it's not important and that not one of these reactions help.

I'm not really sure where the end of this post is. Somehow I have a feeling the end is somewhere down the road when I'll find this and realize that I no longer am the least bit confused by any of what is so bothersome today.