Tightrope

Writing won't show the emotion that goes with this post. I'm not sure what to even call the emotion, except that it is strong.

First and foremost, I still feel great. Every day now I wake up, think "still ok?", and then upon deciding it is, enjoy the day in a way I so rarely get to do. It's so hard to explain how much joy comes from knowing that for another few hours I get to enjoy things without trying. It's also hard to explain how much joy can come from tiny, tiny things after 2 years of feeling miserable.

I talked to my doctor today about my lithium problems. She agreed it sounds like my body doesn't like lithium anymore. She asked what happens if I'm not on lithium, and a great fear settled over me. I don't know. I have been on lithium nearly 5 years, since a few months before I was even diagnosed with bipolar (it was supposed to make my antidepressant work better-ha) and I truly don't know what happens if I'm off it. I'm barely on any now and doing fine, so what we know is that I no longer need as much as I used to.

The thing is that I can't live with the symptoms of toxicity. So I'm going to go to a really tiny dose and see what happens. Hopefully I'd just be ok. If I still seem toxic we'll go even lower until there is no choice but off. If my mood gets out of line then we'll try the only mood stabilizer I have not tried (aside from 2 antipsychotics that I am adamently opposed to trying).

I'm trying to be positive, but I'm also scared. This break from being sick is the best thing I've experienced in years and I can't stand the idea of going back to the bad place so quickly. The strong, positive me reminds myself that maybe I actually will break free of lithium and some of the ugliness associated with it, but I also know that lithium has been a constant in my life through this whole illness. Until a few months ago one of the easiest ways to change my moods was to alter my lithium dose a bit. Nothing else is so effective (except lowering my depakote is pretty sure to make me moodier) and so versatile.

But only time will tell what happens next.