Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13

Monday, May 07, 2007

I decided to decide

I had a good session with the psychologist today. This is especially good because I have been dreading this as I knew we were beginning a new topic I didn't want to deal with today. But I feel so good I was able to handle it well and to focus, and those things made it a better session.

Somewhere in there I started to listen to myself. I was talking about how I have been so terrified lately because it has seemed too much that there may not be many more treatment options, I'm trying meds that have been scarily unsuccessful before and will have to determine at what point to quit something that helps, and that it has been very hard because I took a job that is much easier, reduced my drive time, etc. and I still have felt so overwhelmed. All of this is true.

But now suddenly I am not so freaked out. I realized why while I was talking; I'm starting to change how I'm doing things and to accept that my energy is even lower. I'm starting to restrict what I take on at home. I looked at my pay stub today and realized that I am working more like 73-75 hours per pay period and that financially this is OK and I need to accept it is better and that 40 hours is just arbitrary (obviously this is a benefit of my job).

I got home after doing today's "one thing" (picking up pet food, which now costs double what it did before the recalls-ugh), and was dismayed as per usual by my house. Cleaning as much as I can does not do enough and I can't stand the noise of the vaccuum. I also get totally exhausted trying to clean my kitchen floor.

I've thought about a cleaning service before, but have been embarrassed. I also struggle with paranoia about people getting into my things (not that I have anything to get into). So I made a decision tonight. That is something it is time to work on. It is time to get help. What I really need is someone who comes on the day trash goes out, does some general cleaning, and puts the trash out (something difficult for me). I know there is a company in the City that does this but I don't know if there is anything similar in Cow Pastureville. I'd rather do this through someone who does it as a caregiving service than through Me*rr*y Ma*ids if I can because then I will feel less guilty on the days that things are totally horrid.

So that's my summer goal, to decide I CAN do this.


Sarah said...

I understand your fear & "embarassment" for someone taking care of things we "should" be able to take care of ... but each someone has a different "should" level. Keep that in mind ... just because our "should" levels are lower than others doesn't mean we can't do what we NEED to do to get by! *hugs*

Emilija said...

I will be waiting to see how you do with this goal. I think about getting someone in to clean as well, but I both don't want to spend the money and don't want strangers in my house. But it is really something I need to do. I know a lot of "normal" people who get someone to clean for them!

Just Me said...


The pathetic part is that I can afford this without hurting much. The only thing stopping me is fear/paranoia.

I cry and cry at my messy house, but it will take counseling sessions to get it together to do something about it.